31 December 2007

so, this is the new year. . .

and i don't feel any different.
the clanking of crystal,
explosions off in the distance.

so this is the new year
and i have no resolution,
for self assigned penance,
for problems with easy solutions.

so everybody put your best suit or dress on;
let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once,
lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn,
as thirty dialogues bleed into one.

i wish the world was flat like the old days
and i could travel just by folding a map;
no more airplanes or speed trains or freeways.
there'd be no distance that could hold us back.

so this is the new year.

New Year's Eve senior year (the most interesting of my life- me and Matt Baca, who would have thought) I made our car listen to this song at 12:01 as we watched fireworks from the top of the valley.

2004 had been an interesting year. And 2005 was also. 2006, much more exciting and probably the happiest year of my life. 2007, the most intense, emotional, character-building, note-worthy in the 21 that i've been kicking it.

Here's to the next. 2008. Embarking on the greatest adventure thus far. In four and a half hours it will be January and it will be new. Here's to it being great, for all of us.

30 December 2007

love affair of the year

every day i fall more and more in love with the voice, words and talent of sufjan stevens. maybe i'm obsessed. remember the girls that would cry at backstreet boys and *nsync concerts? maybe that's me. but maybe moreso i find comfort in his lyrics and find his voice parallel to what i imagine an angel's to sound like. whatever it is, hop on the bandwagon! for real.

other performing artists of the month: loney, dear; beirut; say hi; justice; m.i.a.; my brightest diamond. (especially loney, dear, especially "where are you go go going to")

choose to fill your life with this goodness.

28 December 2007

nothing suits this box

go see juno. see juno or i'll kill you. if you need company, chances are i'll go with you.

last night chloe, jesse and i got to salt lake city before the rest of the family. all of us had been dying to see juno. (i was merrily surprised that it cost 52.3% of what it would cost in las vegas to see the movie. hooray for trolley square and hooray for student ids.) it is now tied for first in my list of favorite movies (i don't see best in show ascending the throne anytime soon). i don't even like movies that much, but i'm quickly becoming obsessed with this one.

"i still have your underwear."
"i still have your virginity."

michael cera is amazing. ellen page is even more amazing. jennifer garner is great. and jason bateman is the love of my life. i don't feel let down by anyone involved or any aspect of the film. the acting was perfect. michael cera covers his characters so well. once jason bateman said that he has never seen someone able to get into character the way cera does. from vocal tones to facial expressions he masters every awkward second. i really hope ellen page goes somewhere. i'm not usually particularly drawn to actresses but i love love love her. she delivered every line perfectly.

the dialogue of the film was spectacular. we were continually laughing. "he's the cheese to my macaroni." great for a small town high school. great for a sarcastic girl dealing with adult problems on her own.

the music. THE MUSIC. probably the best soundtrack since garden state (with the exception of once). kimya dawson is going to blow up, at least on the indie scene. her lyrics are so simple and unusual but captivating. please say that you've heard "anyone else but you". it's performed by the moldy peaches, kimya's band. the first time you listen you'll probably be confused in the beginning but like it by the end. the more you listen the more you'll love it. and you'll love it!
"kiss you on the brain
in the shadow of the train.
kiss you all stary-eyed,

my body swinging from side to side...
you are always trying to keep it real.
i'm in love with how you feel.

i don't see what anyone can see
in anyone else but you."
one of the best parts of the music in the film is that it was suggested by ellen page. jason reitman (director) asked ellen what she thought juno would listen to, she responded with the moldy peaches (another reason that ellen is the coolest actress since dakota fanning).

i'm pretty sure that i'll see juno again at least twice before my mission (12 days). let's go!

26 December 2007

leaving a trace

in the news today is an article about a five year endeavor undertaken by brigham young university. students and faculty worked to transcribe 115 missionary journals to be read online. awesome! the journals primarily belong to average members of the lds church, but also include diaries of the likes of james e. talmage. these missionaries served around the world from the 1830s to the 1960s, and we have the opportunity to learn from their experiences.

i'm really excited about this. i think it is so interesting and so good. i sincerely hope that people take full advantage of this. do you realize how much we can learn? and what we can observe? how cool to be able to compare missionary experience from more than a decade ago to our own. how interesting to be able to read and notice the change a mission brought to someone's life.

i need to become better at journaling. i hope to keep a detailed journal of my time in taiwan. there are many times that i wish i had kept one recently. when i doubt my mission it would be so nice to be able to look back at a page written in my own words to remember the feelings of certainty i had in july. i'm sure that in the next 18 months i will have experiences that i can continue to gain from into my latest stages of life, if i allow myself to.
i wonder if i do keep a journal what kind of value it would be to another? i would love to have my grandpa ray's journal, or my tutu from hawaii's. but i wonder if others are as ridiculously sentimental as i am. i wonder if my posterity would read it, or if it would become literal fuel for a fire. i wonder if a stranger would read it if it were posted online or misplaced at a public location. i guess i won't know until i write it and then die.

you, blog reader, should check out the journals of the past. i'm sure there is a lot to be gained in doing so.

25 December 2007

lyrique du jour *christmas edition

it's christmas day.
after watching my ex-step-grandma and her husband get buzzed in henderson, we drove home. as we stopped for gas i realized that i felt like it wasn't right to do so, kind of the way you feel bad about eating at a restaurant on a sunday even if you're on vacation. it wasn't sunday, just a tuesday. but it was christmas. and not once had a member of my family mentioned the birth of christ. very sad, very very sad.

at our little dinner prior to the christmas devotional (one of the worst evenings of my december), sarah, kens, mandi and i shared christmas traditions with each other. mandi's was my favorite. on christmas day before opening presents her family sings happy birthday to baby jesus, with a cake and everything. i love that. i don't know that little naomi even knows what christmas means beyond the wii santa bought. i think more should be done within the family (mine specifically) to shift the focus of the season from presents to christ. when i'm a mom, if i'm ever a mom, i'm going to work hard to come up with a way to help my children understand the significance of december 25.

oh holy night is one of my favorite christmas songs.

oh holy night! the stars are brightly shining,
it is the night of our dear savior's birth.
long lay the world in sin and error pining,
'til he appeared and the soul felt it's worth.
a thrill of hope the weary soul rejoice,
for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

fall on your knees! oh hear the angel voices
oh night divine, oh night when christ was born;
oh night divine, oh night, oh night divine.

truly he taught us to love one another;
his law is love and his gospel is peace.
chains shall he break for the slave is our brother;
and in his name all opression shall cease.
sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus we raise,
let all within us praise his holy name.

i know these aren't the entire official lyrics. but they're the ones i like best.
sufjan's version is stupendous and tracy chapman's is great too.



yesterday chloe and i went to in n out (i've been there every day since i got to vegas, gross!). the line at the drive thru was out of control, so we went inside and ordered to-go. sitting, waiting for our number (70) to be called we watched a few things.

less of a conversation, more of an interchange. . .
woman: are you working at macy's?
boy, about 17 years of age: (blank faced) no?
woman: are you working?
boy: stares
woman: just hanging out? that's good. have a merry christmas.
then she walked away and he turned to his friends and shrugged. weirdest thing ever. we predict that she was a stranger and the boy had no idea how to react. this is our version of his expression. . .our eyes followed the woman as she passed a man dressed in no way to be in public. he looked like something out of a cheap rap video. we'll work bottom up - tan work boots, black snow pants, black mets t-shirt, black bandanna around the neck, white bandanna around the head, baseball cap, goggles. the ensemble probably wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't had been short and googley eyed. poor guy. after some thought we concluded that he had just returned from a day of snowboarding. no excuse. we both decided that it is inappropriate to go out in public dressed for the slopes, if that's how you dress at the resort. the woman with him was a tall blond bombshell wearing the female version of his outfit, minus the goggles. to make up for what was missing on her outfit, she had the most annoying voice under the sun and a desperate need for a slice of onion. she kept yelling across the room. chloe and i laughed out loud. we were probably kind of rude.

after dodging a careening mini-van we drove past a scantily clad jogger and an old man in something ineffable. i realized that people watching is one of my favorite activities, and chloe is a good sister/friend to do it with.

24 December 2007

the grammys

how it happened. . . this morning i was listening to a killer track by the french band justice. i decided to do a bit of online research (i like to think of myself as an educated listener). i came across the effing tight video to their hot track "D.A.N.C.E.". more research. turns out the video and track are nominated for grammys. awesome. this got me wondering what else was up for the award. i found the official website. (here.)

upon perusing i was shocked to find 110 categories. who knew? i was also surprised to find categories such as "best recording package", "best polka album" and "best hawaiian music album". again, who knew? i noticed that as i browsed i became very disinterested in some of the nominations. i mean, how big is the sound difference between "latin urban" and "tropical latin" albums? can't it all be classified under "world music". that is an ignorant way of thinking. it makes me wonder if the die hard fans of "tejano" jams think similarly when it comes to "rock" and "alternative". "throw it all together; it all sounds the same." when, clearly, there is a big difference between the two. maybe i should work to expand my musical tastes. i probably won't. i feel that they are diverse enough sometimes. simon and milo to johnny cash, xiu xiu to laura veirs. plus, i'm already overwhelmed as it is.

anyway, here is what i think should (but probably won't) happen at the 2008 grammy awards.
*i left out categories i am less educated on or am indifferent to.
** i need someone to commit to writing me in the mtc and sending me the results.

"1234 fight
stick to the b.e.a.t.
get ready to ignite"

RECORD OF THE YEAR: Umbrella - Rihanna ft Jay-Z
hot track, kids, hot track. this one rocked the globe and deserves the credit.

ALBUM OF THE YEAR: Graduation - Kanye West
much anticipated. much appreciated. mr. west is a stud.

SONG OF THE YEAR: Hey There Delilah - Tom Higgenson (Plain White T's)
so sick of this song, but i feel that it is cohesive and memorable. plus, tom's stalker tendencies deserve a reward, eh?

hands down. she's amazing. (amy winehouse in a distant second. maybe if she cleaned up her act.)

number one downloaded track on itunes. the one that made us know fergie was here to stay (we already knew she could spell, d-e-l-i-c-i-o-u-s).

it makes me happy to see this under "pop". mr. buble is out of sight. and this song makes me feel warm.

BEST POP COLLABORATION W/ VOCALS: Give it to Me - Timbaland ft Nelly Furtado and Justin Timerlake
anything timbaland touches is gold. and anyone who can encorporate "amnesty international" into lyrics should get a grammy.

BEST POP INSTRUMENTAL PERFORMANCE: Paris Sunrise #7 - Ben Harper & The Innocent Criminals
i don't really know or care; i just want ben harper to have a grammy.

BEST POP VOCAL ALBUM: The Reminder - Feist

this one was a tough choice. here is my reasoning. . . timberlake has had enough credit; it's going to his head. rihanna's hit was umbrella not "don't stop the music". mika, yes but no. chemical brothers, sorry but not this time. justice are newcomers and they're french. have you heard the song? it's the best use of acronyms in a long time.

i'm not justified in saying. bu, i'd be happy with three of the five nominees (justice, lcd soundsystem, shiny toy guns).

BEST TRADITIONAL POP VOCAL ALBUM: Call Me Irresponsible - Michael Buble
rarely am i into his type.

this song is as the title suggests, it will blow your mind. beck is fascinating in my eyes. i think i'd run away with him.

i'm not always a fan, but the divorced couple did well on this one.

BEST ROCK ALBUM: Sky Blue Sky - Wilco
good. pure. talent.

BEST ALTERNATIVE MUSIC ALBUM: Wincing the Night Away - The Shins
another tough one. lily allen was great and i really enjoy most of "alright, still...". it was mostly between arcade fire and the shins. "wincing the night away" held my attention much more than "neon bible".

[then my interest level plummets. r & b, rap, country, latin, gospel. . . i just don't care.]

this soundtrack is amazing. one of my favorite albums of the year. yes, "across the universe" was superb but they worked with existing tracks rather than new material. well done to the little people. irish/czech fusion!

BEST SONG WRITTEN FOR MOTION PICTURE, TELEVISION OR VISUAL MEDIA: Falling Slowly (from Once) - Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova
played on repeat on my itunes for quite a while.

BEST RECORDING PACKAGE: The Dio Years - Masaki Koike, art director
this was the most simple and straight forward, i believe. it works with the band and what i imagine their album to sound like.
here are the five options. . .

no contest. he is midas.

BEST SHORT FORM MUSIC VIDEO (my favorite category): God's Gonna Cut You Down - Johnny Cash
before watching all five videos i knew that justice would have it. but, the cash video astounded me. it reminds me of my favorite type of photography and i think it is emotionally stirring. i love the involvement of so many performers and celebrities. something should be said for "1234". awesome. makes me want a sparkly blue suit. the dancing was great and the colors exciting, but more was conveyed in the black and white. "gone daddy gone", not worthy of a nomination. kind of ruins the song for me. "d.a.n.c.e.", wicked sweet. second place without a doubt. "typical", i used to watch while working out at the prices'. really cool video, but not enough when up against the best. here are all five for your interest. . . (i put them in order, from my favorite to least.)

god's gonna cut you down - johnny cash

d.a.n.c.e. - justice

1 2 3 4 - feist

typical - mutemath

gone daddy gone - gnarls barkley

i'm really anxious to see what happens. i was surprised by some of the nominations, disappointed by some and really excited about others.

crank it

one of my favorite things about staying at my parents' house in las vegas is my bedroom. i'm not in it much and i rarely use the attached bathroom, but the "caseda" does have some perks.

1. the queen size bed is amazing. so comfortable. so high. so warm. i used to "sleep like a log". if a family member had so share a bed with someone they would choose me because i gripped the edge of the bed for lie and rarely moved an inch. things have changed as far as i can tell. i love sleeping right in the middle of my shabby chic sleep throne. i love having space to move my legs to the "cool" sections of sheet. i love surrounding myself with the dozen pillows that inhabit the mattress. one day it would be nice to share such a bed with a deserving young man, but for now i'm content.

2. the separate entrance provides privacy. lately when i'm in vegas i'm quite the home body. but, if i wasn't it would be okay. today some parents and i had a conversation about how their returned missionaries and college students have curfews. even if i did have a curfew (which would be ridiculous as i embark on my 21st year), my parents would have very much trouble enforcing it. if i was still staying out until all hours with randoms it would be alright because keith and janelle would have no proof of my arrival back home time.

3. this is the most important. my bedroom has its own air conditioner! do you realize what that means? at any time of the day, any time of the year, i can choose to be completely comfortable in my surroundings (that is, if i am in my bedroom). i find this extremely convenient when i consider the fact that i am always cold in winter, even when others are on the slightly warm sidem and the fact that keith attempts to save money by keeping the main house's temperature in the eighties throughout summer. within the first two days of this stay in vegas i exercised my power to control the air of my bedroom by keeping the daytime temperature at a healthy 73 and the nighttime temperature at a chill 62 (it makes my bed seem so much cozier).

pretty much, you should come visit my bedroom. i can guarantee our privacy and your comfort, temperature-wise and in the bed, at least.

23 December 2007

back to music, because it is all i think about sometimes. pathetic.
i have some new favorite songs right now. see for yourself. partake of the wonder.

"where are you go go going to" - loney, dear
"northwestern girls" - say hi (to your mom)

oh my gosh. oh my gosh. oh my gosh.

lyrique du jour

lately i like music more than almost anything else. and when it comes to music i like sufjan more than anyone else. today i gave my farewell talk in vegas and quoted the man. here are the lyrics to the song i used. . . "The Perpetual Self, or 'What Would Saul Alinsky Do?"

everything is lost
but i know that you can take it to the lord.
everything you are
isn't all that you can gather for yourself.

do you love a lot?
is that love that you just kiss to everyone?
is your loving lost?
is it strange that you perpetuate yourself?

all that he has given to the world
is the joy that he will carry to the door.

sufjan will definitely join me on the mission. definitely.

22 December 2007


the soundtrack of my angry senior year. including:
cute without the 'e' (cut from the team) - taking back sunday
sic transit gloria. . . glory fades - brand new
if i told you this was killing me (would you stop) - the juliana theory
man and wife, the latter (damaged goods) - desaparecidos
lover i don't have to love - bright eyes
art is hard - cursive
blue and yellow - the used
understanding in a car crash - thursday
punk rock princess - something corporate
my favorite accident - motion city soundtrack

who was that jade ozawa?

on a related note. . . when i really really knew i was in love with rivers cuomo. . .

20 December 2007

little things i find myself fond of these days

i'm a growing, changing girl. recently, i have thought about how i used to be and what i used to like. times change. i'm no longer hoarding band pins and dreaming of men with dark hair covering one eye. i've moved past weekends in provo and the myspace scene. this season i like. . .

- shows like the soup, best week ever, what perez sez and the colbert report: i only like tv when it makes me think or makes me laugh. i'd like to say these programs help me to do both. i'm not one to stay pop culture savy or on top of the political realm of the united states, instead joel mchale, perez hilton, stephen colbert and various comedians and commentators do so for me. in some ways i think this love is detrimental to my mind's wellbeing. i am prone to use others' opinions in place of my own (a reason some of my relationships work so well). please stop me from losing my own thoughts to the somewhat cynical often crude stances of the television.

-garden gate toffee: every year my family gets a few large boxes of two pound boxes of this piece of heaven. to me, it will always represent the best of the christmas season. today i was blessed with the opportunity of stuffing small plastic gift bags with pieces of toffee. tonight my sisters and i will enjoy ice cream sprinkled with garden gate crumbs. i love december.

-being called by name: have you ever paid attention to the way you feel when someone says your name? i love being involved in a phone conversation or a face-to-face conversation or a text conversation or a google talk conversation and having the other party say, "jade, . . ." i don't know what it is. i don't know if it makes me feel secure and reminds me that i exist. i don't know if it's because i'm vain (i learned from lars and the real girl that the majority of people's favorite word is their own name. i wonder if this is true even for individuals with names i personally hate.) whatever the reason, if you're talking to me and would like to add a little boost to the conversation throw a "jade" in there somewhere.

-letters, emails and texts: i love communication. and i love hearing from people. few things make me feel more warm.

-turbulence: see stranded in phoenix

-making new friends: yes. i'm trying to decide whether or not this should be included on the list. as much as i love making new friends (possibly more) i hate the knowledge that many of these new relations will be for naught in just a few weeks. often times it's devastating. write me new friends, write me!

-i guess i'm floating: a kicking music/mp3 blog. thank you connor and nathaniel for pulling me out of a music slump. i predict that if they're still up and running i'll use them to get me back on track post-taiwan. for your pleasure.

-starbuck's giftcards: we all know that keith shows affection (and control) monetarily. i've been on his good side and have been given $50 starbucks giftcards the last few months. i love caramel apple spice, i love steamers, i love tazo tea, and i love love love madeleines. these are all much sweeter when they don't ding my bank account.

-sufjan stevens: can i repeat. sufjan is THE MAN. i adore him, i love him, i'm passionate about him, my ardor for this man burns to the core. he's talented, ambitious, humble, clean, handsome, bright, well-traveled, well-read, well-dressed. if you haven't heard his music, take a look in the mirror and try to figure out what is wrong with you then fill your ears with his voice. start with this video. . . and continue on to: john wayne gacy jr., the lord god bird, the predatory wasp of the palisades is out to get us!, holy, holy, holy, and sister winter. sufjan will not let you down.

-cameras and their products: i dream of owning various cameras with various purposes. as soon as i get back from my mission i intend to invest in a really nice slr. for now i have my point and shoot nikon, my dad's old ae-1 program, a new lomography plastic thing that shoots eight frames in succession and the polaroid i'll pick up tonight. plus, for christmas phoebe has kindly decided to get me a holga. i've also gotten into flickr. seeing others' work gives me something to aspire to. i am seriously considering being a photography major or minor. then i'll move to bradley and we'll fill our time with rolls of film.

from one of my favorite accounts on flickr confusedvision

by my friend mike

-death cab's news: new album to be released may 2008! there are some things that would be nicer to come home to (a boyfriend, a job, a new car) but this is up there. transatlanticism and plans have compoundedly (not a real word) left me wanting more. i'm pretty sure that i'll miss the promotional tour, but maybe i'll be able to catch a random show. or maybe they'll surprise me with another dvd version of the album. my fingers are crossed. i know that ben and chris will go with what is best for all of us. click here and see for yourself. (the site is kind of shaky, best of luck.)

-grey and rain: this isn't a new love, it's an old one that has intensified exponentially with my age. i've been made fun of for dreaming of an overcast wedding day. but to me the layer of clouds is like a blanket. if i could curl up in it and never leave i would. one day i will live in the state of washington, nothing will stop me.

-laughing out loud: why hold it in? i refuse to any longer.

mr. folds covers

this is the third post of the day. i'm not bored in vegas at all.

cleaning out my gmail account i came across an email i had sent our dearest k. patton a few months ago. it was jam packed with a capella versions of popular songs. it also held another gem. . .

ben folds is the shi. totally rad. i don't like the fact that he would admit it and i hate that he's reading lyrics, but i'm willing to look past these flaws to recognize the fact that he makes me wish to marry a pianist and lyricist.

suggested listening, so that you can be convinced too: carrying cathy, the luckiest, jesusland, smoke (ben folds five), bruised (the bens)

lyrique du jour

How about some positivity?

"Do You Realize" - The Flaming Lips
Definitely nursed me through not getting accepted to Wellesley.

do you realize that you have the most beautiful face?
do you realize we're floating in space?
do you realize that happiness makes you cry?
do you realize that everyone you know someday will die?

and instead of saying all of your goodbyes
let them know you realize that life goes fast,
it's hard to make the good things last.
you realize the sun doesn't go down;
it's just an illusion caused by the world spinning 'round.

"Goods (All in Your Head)" - Mates of State
I like to think of "the goods" as blessings. There are more than we ever imagine to have.

and we'll count up all the goods now.
there are more then you ever thought you'd own.

when it lasted all day,
we would blast it all day.
we would bring it on and on.

"Light and Day" - Polyphonic Spree
Doesn't allow you to feel unhappy. Moreso, you feel like putting on a robe and jumping around on stage with the likes of Tim DeLaughter and Annie Clark (St. Vincent).

light and day is more than you'll say
'cause all my feelings are more than i can let by
or not, it's more than you've got.
just follow the day
follow the day and reach for the sun.

you don't see me flying to the red.
one more, you're done.
just follow the seasons and find the time;
reach for the bright side.
you don't see me flying the red.
one more, you're nuts.
just follow the day;
follow the day and reach for the sun.

"Love Today" - Mika
The song as a whole may just be about free love, my religion of choice. I'm not into the bit about "shocking" or becoming a lover. But I am into the falsetto.

everybody's gonna love today.
anyway you want to.
anyway you've got to.

i've been crying for so long,
fighting tears just to carry on.
but now, it's gone away.

"Things are What You Make of Them" - Bishop Allen
So good. (And, as the photo shows, the bassist is a girl. That will be me in the next life.)

i was spending my days with my demons.
they had taken up inside of my heart.
they were trying to keep me entertained.
they were tearing me apart.

but my memory was packing
and i knew she would never come back
she handed me a letter
then she vanished in the black
and the letter said...

things are what you make of them
and you know what i mean.

"What We Hate, We Make" - The Rocket Summer
Bryce Avery is the king of teenage romance lyrics. Spencer Harrison once said, "The reason he is so cool is that he can write the cheesiest lyrics and pull it off."

all i've learned is. . .
what we hate we make.
there's no time for hating;
what we hate we make.

something's about to change
'cause i can feel it in my heart today.

Now, let's all smile and enjoy the next three weeks.

i'm in vegas

let me tell you about what i did yesterday. . .
i woke up around eight thirty to the little girls knocking on my door. kindly, i sent them away and checked my email. i talked with a few friends then went back to sleep. chloe helped me unload my car then we watched 30 rock. while she was with her tutor, i showered and unpacked a bit. we went to in 'n' out for lunch then came home and each took a three hour nap on my bedroom floor. next i caught up on some facebooking then wandered around the house until my mom announced dinner plans. i touched up my hair and drove to sushi ko. from there chloe and i went to "lars and the real girl". i came home and went to bed.

vegas seems to hold a pretty sweet life. but i'd still rather be in salt lake. LAME.

12 December 2007


some good news. . .

i think i'm getting a holga for christmas. this will be mine. . .

the colors, the vingetting, the uncertainty. i'm really excited about the uncertainty, and that's not normal.
"if you walk away i'll walk away;
first tell me which road you will take.
i don't want to risk our paths crossing someday
so you walk this way, i'll walk this way.

the future hangs over our heads."

i'm sitting on my green futon. it's laid out into a bed. my screen printed pillow is slightly under the brown wool rose one. the light out the back door is shining and reflecting off the week old snow. i just turned off the ikea floor lamp that i love; it's rays are perfect. sound waves of the comforting mix i made kens are flowing through the air. volume: low. blárauð, my anorexic betta, is swimming ignorantly; i don't think he has yet realized that i'm abandoning him in mere days. my books are in lines. my cameras are set at angles on the printer. the grey pillowy chair has a bum mark right in the middle. i don't know who last sat in it. i don't know the next time someone will. the cupboards are still stocked and the dishes still stacked. brad just went to bed and bid me good night from too far away. my sweater is yellow, my cardigan black and embellished, my jeans seem to keep getting bigger.

i keep looking through my gmail inbox, my itunes library, and innumerable photo albums on facebook.

how can i leave this? i love this.
but at the same time, how can i stay? there's a toxicity in the uncertainty of what is around the mbh corner or who may be in the institute gym.

a lot of days i don't want to go. last night i knew it was right then received a phone call and had a brief chat that changed my mind in the other direction. today provo tasted bland and i figured byu wouldn't be for me until possibly grad school. so, what is it? i'm running to taiwan no matter what. i can't stay. i can't take staying. but what after? i don't want a real life. i'd rather live as a vagrant, but a vagrant with permanent friends and nightly fun.

i don't have to go. but i can't stay. i can't face telling keith and kyle that the plans and the skirts and the relief of the empty space i'll leave was all for naught. and i can't come up with a reasonable excuse. someone propose to me. i asked watson to give me mono. it would be a ticket out of the mtc and into the sympathy of my mother and judy.

i guess we'll see (i hate hearing that phrase from the mouths of others). i have 27 days. i'm speaking on sunday then next sunday then the one after. three sundays and a fast sunday to reconvince myself. and to say goodbye.

"sinking feeling"

on the "lyrique du jour"

okay. so i haven't kept up. not because i didn't want to, i just haven't had the time.
i wish i felt bad about it, but honestly wouldn't my life be more pathetic if i DID have time to talk about lyrics and write other blogs every day? so, rather than daily lyric rantings they will be when i choose. maybe seven times a week, maybe only once. (i mean, over the four weeks i have left.)

10 December 2007

lyrique du jour

Yesterday a lot of conversation centered around the musical genius of Sufjan Stevens, so today's lyrics come from a related artist: St. Vincent.

St. Vincent (Annie Clark) released her debut album this summer. She hangs around with the likes of Sufjan and the Polyphonic Spree and has an interesting sound herself. "Now Now". . .

i'm not your mother's favorite dog.
i'm not the carpet you walk on.
i'm not one small atomic bomb.
i'm not anything at all.

i'm not the feather at your feet.
i'm not your yellow brick street.

i'm not anyone you'll see.
i'm not anything.

now now. now now. now now.

you don't mean, that say you're sorry.
you don't mean, that say you're sorry.
you don't mean, that say you're sorry.
you don't mean that. i'll make you sorry.

i'm not the pawn to your king.
i'm not your world on a string.
i'm not anyone you'll beat.

i'm not anything.

Not only does she create awesome music, she has awesome hair and great cheekbones.

09 December 2007

lyrique du jour

Mandi said I wouldn't be able to keep up with "Lyrics of the Day". She was challenging me, and I never back down from a challenge (or a dare). I hate to have proven her right. I didn't post anything yesterday.

It is Sunday, so I'm spending the day listening to old EFY CDs and my favorite selections sung by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Every Sabbath the lyrics will be to a hymn. One of my absolute favorite hymns is "If You Could Hie to Kolob". . .

If you could hie to Kolob In a twinkling of an eye
And then continue onward With that same speed to fly,
Do you think that you could ever, Through all eternity
Find out the generation Where Gods began to be?

Or see the grand beginning Where space did not extend?
Or view the last creation Where Gods and matter end?
Me thinks the Spirit whispers, "No man has found 'pure space'.
Nor seen the outside curtains Where nothing has a place."

The works of God continue And worlds and lives abound.
Improvement and progression Have one eternal round.
There is no end to matter. There is no end to space.
There is no end to spirit. There is no end to grace.

There is no end to virtue. There is no end to might.
There is no end to wisdom. There is no end to light.
There is no end to union. There is no end to youth.
There is no end to Priesthood. There is no end to truth.

There is no end to glory. There is no end to love.
There is no end to being. There is no death above.
There is no end to glory. There is no end to love.
There is no end to being. There is no death above.

I think the last half of this song is comforting and sweet. It really puts things into perspective for me at times.

I love the Mormon Tabernacle Choir version of this song. And every good LDS youth love the Kirby Heyborne version.

07 December 2007

lyrique du jour

Today it's Mates of State. . . "An Experiment"

do you want to go dry
so that i can say we're holding on tomorrow?
unforgivable faults, nonsense.

do you want to go dry
so that i can say we're hold out today?
unforgettable starts, nonsense.

i wonder if i could tie the ocean to your knees.
to your knees, if you please; to the bath at your feet.
'cause it's an experiment. experiment with me.

i said, "don't put up a fight, 'cause i know we all get older."
say, "don't point out the faults, 'cause you know i'm always older."
said, "just put out the fight, 'cause by now we've gotten older."

I wish I were the female member of such a husband-wife duo. See them live! Admire the way the look at each other throughout the show.

stranded in phoenix

"i've got these airport feelings
all over you.

i'm ready for landing.
i'm ready to lose."

Keith had two free flights on US Airways that he used to get me to my last Accutane appointment in Las Vegas (hooray!). The stipulation was that I'd have a layover in Phoenix both ways. Getting down was not a problem, just long. Getting back to Salt Lake is another story. I've been in the Phoenix airport for more than two hours and have another hour before my flight pulls away from the gate. Shauna's blog introduced me to "brain dumping". I think I'll do a mini brain dump about my thoughts and observations as I sit alone in the airport.

-I noticed on the flight in that I like turbulence. I mean, I don't think I'd appreciate life threatening turbulence, but I think little bumps on a flight are nice. I love the butterfly feeling I get during landing. And I like the physical sensations of the plane moving. Does that make sense? When you're in the air you don't necessarily feel anything different that you would in a chair on land. But, when the plane moves up or down you can feel the difference and I like that.

-The first interesting sight once I got off the plane was a man in a clerical robe. I've tried to find it on the internet to see what kind of priest the man was, but I can't. The rob was gray and ankle length. I wonder what his story is and where he's going. Maybe he's on his way to teach at a seminary, maybe he's on his way home from visiting parents. Maybe he's going to perform an exorcism. ?

-Mere moments after seeing the man of God, I saw a man that appeared homeless being escorted by a bike cop (riding through the terminal). The homeless man carried a drum on his back and looked pretty grungy. I heard him bumbling about hitch-hiking from place to place. Maybe he sneaked into an airport and from flight to flight. That would be a good story to tell.

-As I neared my gate and walked past the typical bookstore I saw a regular looking man carrying a briefcase and pulling a carry-on suitcase. As I passed him, he started coughing. Something white flew out of his mouth. We both looked down at the gum that had been ejected. He continued walking. Gross!

-Shortly after the gum man I heard what I thought was burping from behind me. I looked back as a stout man with glasses let another belch out. I was shocked to see such a character behaving similarly to the teacher's quorum. As I stared (I really think I have a staring problem) he burped again, loud and in middle of the corridor.

Around this point I sat, put my head in a book and quit observing. Then I starting thinking about how someone could live in an airport, especially in a European airport (with showers and stuff). I thought to myself, "That might make an entertaining movie." Lo and behold, The Terminal has already been made and it wasn't that great. If my life were a movie and the day in Phoenix were included, I'm sure it would be more stimulating than watching Tom Hanks try to woo Catherine Zeta Jones with a crummy accent.

"you'll probably write about this on your blog, huh?"

"this is what it's like on a fantasy"

There are many things I envision myself doing. I like to say there are many things I have fantasies about. For example, I fantasize being married one day and I fantasize taking photographs of the boxer I will someday own. Some of these fantasies are simpler... walking through a farmer's market with a pram or sleeping into a down pillow laden bed in plaid two piece pajamas with big, cute buttons.

One of these silly fantasies has realized recently. I had always imagined a day when friends would be over at my house watching a movie (dorm style) on my laptop. Rather than gathering around the "coffee table cubes" we would all lay on the futon on our stomachs. In an ideal world we'd have our chins in our palms and a large bowl of kettle corn making its way around the room. Last week some mates came over and we did it! The movie: Drop Dead Fred. The friends: Mandi, Kristin, Reed, Shanna and Mike. Chins in hand. Sans the popcorn. I love my life!
A fantasy that has been around for a while and gets stronger by the season is to walk into a cafe and order "the regular". A while ago I ate at Blue Plate Diner with some friends. An old man in a yellow cardigan covered in embroidered Indian faces walked in and the staff greeted him warmly by name, Jimmy. He took his place at the end of the bar and waited for a waitress.
How awesome would it be to be Jimmy? This morning my dad took me to the airport on his way to work. This means that I was awoken by my alarm at 5:15am, disgusting. On our way down Ann he turned into a parking lot in front of a new strip mall. Lauren (who works at American Leak as a secretary) got out of the car without asking a question, so I did. I inquired if they stop at Starbuck's regularly. Lauren answered, "Everyday. They know our orders." I was awestruck, "That is so awesome!!" (I sounded like Oskar in Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.) It was completely true. We walked in and were greeted warmly. Lauren was asked, "A steamer?" She nodded. Keith was asked, "Something new today?" I don't remember his answer just that he turned to me and said, "We're working on finding a new drink for me. They discontinued mine, Tangerine Blend." I was astonished! They are living my dream. I, the new girl, ordered a Caramel Apple Spice and picked up some Madeleines (add to my list of favorite things). One day I will have a favorite deli or coffee shop. I will be known by name. And I will order "the usual" on most days.

06 December 2007

lyrique du jour

Maybe the words to the songs I become fixated on provide a look into my suppressed (sometimes expressed) thoughts. Maybe not.

I really like Ingrid Michaelson and her song "Starting Now".

i want to crawl back inside my mother's womb.
i want to shut out all the light in this room.
i want to start fresh, like a baby in a sink;
scrub away all these thoughts that i think of you.

so life moves slowly when you're waiting for it to boil.
feel like i've watched from six feet under the soil.
still want to hold you and kiss behind your ears,
but i recount the countless tears that i lost for you.

before you finally go there's one thing you should know. . .
that i promise:
starting now i'll never know your name
starting now i'll never feel the same
starting now i'll wish you never came into my world

i want to crawl back inside my bed of sin.
i want to burn the sheets that smell like your skin.
instead i'll wash them just like kitchen rags with stains;
spinning away any piece that remains of you.

it's my world. it's not ours anymore.

If you haven't listened to her yet, do it. If you like Laura Veirs or Suzanne Vega you'll love Ingrid.

Phoebe's Christmas Letter

Dec 5, 2007

Dear Mom and Dad,

I need a desk so I can be organized. I want Dance Dance Revolution and a Wii. They will keep Naomi and I busy. I would like a digital camera cause I have good grades. Please get me Junie B. books. They will make me quiet. Please oh please get me these things and if you don't I'll be so obnoxious.


I think my sisters are so funny.
This makes me wonder what my Christmas letter would be. Probably like this...

Hey Paul and Nell,

I know that I'm going on a mission, but one day I will come home. So, if you would, please don't be too practical this Christmas. There are a few things I would ask for that wouldn't be smart, like Abercrombie 8 eau de toilette that may start to sour or black knee high Uggs that may not fit when I get home but I won't. More than anything I would like "Heima" the DVD by Sigur Ros. Dad, I know that you hate them, but you don't hate me. You both know that I'm always up for good books and movies. If you can find Harriet the Spy on DVD that would be superb. Also, I really like David Sedaris. On the practical side... We need to decide what to do about music on my mission. Maybe one of my sisters could get an iPod and I could have their leftovers. Or maybe you should just get me some burnable discs and a CD case. I would love another journal, in case I don't receive enough from other relatives. And I hear I'll need a raincoat in KaoHsiung. You are wonderful people and I look forward to spending the holidays with you.

Much love,
"i felt my vocal chords weakening.
i felt my concave thoughts.
i felt my voluntary blindness.
staring straight into the sun. . .
don't lose yourself;
don't let yourself be lost."

i'm in las vegas and i'm bored to death.
my mind swims (more like swarms) with thought so i sit with my hands on my fujitsu keyboard. i'm going to miss this. i should put my head in a book but lately have trouble focusing on the words on a page for more than a few minutes. so, i'll continue to sort through my itunes on shuffle. and i'll continue to ramble on screen for the benefit of an anonymous audience.
i wonder who reads this. maybe a merry stranger across the country finds my mindless banter amusing. maybe that kid in my ward secretly sees some of the workings of my little brain. at least i know mandi likes it.

why yes, I Google

One of my new favorite things is iGoogle. If you don't have it, get it.

iGoogle is my homepage. I was able to choose a theme for the page. I went with a background that changes throughout the day according to the season and time. For example, in the morning it's a bright blue with what appears to be snow on the ground (winter) and in the morning it's a red reminiscent of a sunset around the hours of dusk. Atop choosing a theme, my homepage has "gadgets" of things I love and use. I personalized my page to include my gmail and google talk accounts, a things to do list, realsimple's thought of the day, Salt Lake City weather and a wikipedia search box among other things. Next to my "Home" tab I added a few other tabs: Music, News, Church and Cooking. Each of these pages is also personalized according to my needs.

I feel great, like if the world hadn't been at my fingertips with the invention of the internet it definitely is with the expansion of Google.

05 December 2007

lyrique du jour

I constantly have words to songs running through my head. I love lyrics. I love finding solace in the words of my favorite musical artist. I love when songs are silly and make me smile. So... I'm introducing you, blog audience, to the words I listen to.

Today I cannot stop playing and replaying the lyrics to "Bigmouth Strikes Again" inside my head...

Sweetness, sweetness, I was only joking
When I said I'd like to smash every tooth
In your head

Sweetness, sweetness, I was only joking
When I said by rights you should be
Bludgeoned in your bed

And now I know how Joan of Arc felt
As the flames rose to her Roman nose
And her Walkman started to melt

Bigmouth strikes again
I've got no right to take my place
In the human race

Morissey is a man after my own heart. I swear I'm not a morbid or violent person.
If you listen to the song, listen to the original version by The Smiths then the Treepeople cover.
i am so happy about the season.

i love winter.

i love dressing in layers.
i love my coats and scarves.

i love hot chocolate.

i love sledding.
i love the smell of dust in the furnace.

i love crunchy snow.

i love the lights at temple square.
i love nativities.

i love remembering Christ.
this is my new favorite song. . .

calvin harris is rad. he's twenty-four, british and likes dance music. and his photos would suggest that he shops at naked ape. near perfection.

03 December 2007

if i could choose to go the rest of my life without another dream i would.

a few times a month i wake up from dreams where things are back to the way they used to be. usually the dreams have elements of whatever is happening at present (e.g. last night's dream had a bit about the christmas devotional). after what seems like a few minutes (ten or fifteen) in the dream, i wake up suddenly. things feel great at first then i get a quick reality check.

this morning's check: i'm sleeping in mandi's bed. and i'm leaving in five weeks.

30 November 2007

on the future

i think maybe i'll run away to iceland or norway or denmark. or maybe just boston. and become a self taught photographer. i need to wipe the dust off of the canon ae-1 program eyeing me daily. and i need to save up for a rebel or the like and maybe a range finder and probably a super-8.

they are THE men.

don't ask me about my life right now

i am a ball of confusion. i hate this.
i hate that since kyle did his thing i question every action i take. i wonder whether or not every decision was the right one. (choosing to emerge from my covers at nine rather than eight may be a devastating wrong move. replying to a text or starting a thread of wall posts may not be what's right in my life.) this causes much anxiety and tumult at a time when my decisions mean everything. i know that i'm young and have time to completely figure life out, but the choices i make now will shape my future forever.
beyond questioning my actions, i question myself and who i am. never in my life have i felt so inadequate. my confidence level, i think, has plunged since january (when i had acne, stressful planning and a fiance who hated my parents). right now my life is so great and i have a lot going for me (accutane, room for spontaneity and weekly dates) but it all feels kind of wrong and i feel not enough. some days i wish to be able to go back to my first semester style social life: a boyfriend in provo to hang out with and make out with once a week, a random twenty-something male for the other weekend night and a best friend/cousin to escort me everywhere during the week. other days i'm able to convince myself that i'm growing. i hope that this time in my life is my metamorphosis. at present state i'm a caterpillar, one day i'll be a butterfly. maybe the mission will be the cocoon.
i'm not sure but i think i have my first crush since the k man. the other day my friend said, "i wish i had a crush. it makes things so much more exciting." i disagree. i hate it. i can't stand the uncertainty. i hate that half of my head says, "it's okay, just do it." and the other half says, "yeah right. don't try. don't think about it. just don't." ultimately i have two weeks left in the salty city so there's no point, among other reasons.
i guess, though, that i should feel liberated by my interest in another. but that in itself feels horrible. when i realize that i'm on my way to getting over kyle i get kind of panicky. it's strange. but somewhere in my brain the thought is, "if i don't have the purpose of making him happy and working hard for his approval then what is my purpose? what will i do with my thoughts if they aren't primarily of what i can do for him?" i don't think i ever imagined moving on really happening. but it has to. it really has to. i think i'm getting there, even if it's through several steps forward then a few steps back.
this all is only the tip of the iceberg of question in my life. everything else from my january plans to a major to what to listen to on itunes is up in the air. let's be happy for that. maybe there will be surprises and opportunities to go against the grain coming up.

08 November 2007

a letter: to a friend, on the temple

The temple. Where do I find words to explain my thoughts? It was amazing, the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. It was so true, so pure, so good. I had no idea what to expect. Everyone had given me such mixed first time reviews. I walked out struck by awe.
I'm so glad that I chose the Salt Lake City temple. I think that it has been and always will be 'my temple'. My parents worried whether a live session would be right for me. It was. It was perfect.
Janelle was frustrated as I started making plans to go through. You know how logical and linear my mind is. I wanted to choose a date and place, make a list of people I wanted there and call it good. She advised me to be less concrete and to let the Spirit lead me. Sometimes I struggle with that. I'd rather think things out than 'feel' them out. And I want answers immediately. So I made an appointment at the Las Vegas temple and wrote it in my planner in dark ink. Later, at work that day, I really, really felt inclined to invite my boss, Drue. I also wanted to invite the Sneeds, Kyle's mom and my bishopric. I know that I was supposed to rearrange my plans. (Three lessons learned: 1. be flexible, 2. trust your mom, 3. listen for the Spirit in all things) I called the LV temple and cancelled then called the SLC temple and made an appointment for the 10 am session, Saturday October 27. I was guided to the right decision. I know that I was supposed to be there with that group. A couple of the people involved completely took me under their senior citizen wings. Before I left they told me the hours they are usually in the temple and asked me to visit before I go.
After the session and changing into street clothes, Lauren (Holley Anderson, she's married!) and I walked past a mirror. I felt like I looked different. I still feel like a different person. I feel stronger and more spiritually fortified. I feel like there is more ahead of me and more behind me than I have ever realized. I feel more grateful but still not as grateful as I should be. I feel one step closer to the life I want to live.
The temple is such an amazing blessing. I am so happy to have it as a place of refuge. I intend to take full advantage of the peace there. I know taht it will help ease my wandering, tumultuous mind. I don't know that the temple can be 'talked up'. if it can, it needs to be more. I feel like I wasn't as excited as I should have been. I tell all of my friends that they should start looking forward to the day they go now. It is so wonderful, cohesive, and right. It all comes together and feels so good.
I haven't been able to go back yet, but tomorrow is my ward's temple night. I'm excited to go back!
I wish missionaries were able to go more. I think the temple is such a rejuvenating place. It would only help their efforts. There is a temple in Taipei, about four hours (by train) from my mission. I heard from the father of an elder who served in Taipei that he saw missionaries from another mission at the temple a few times. I hope to be able to go. I should send you a picture of it. It is beautiful!
Elder, I'm grateful for you. Thank you for your example. Keep up the good work.

06 November 2007

oh yes

internet audience-

you honestly wouldn't believe how happy my life is. how happy is it? so happy, so amazingly happy. i am blessed. i have great friends, a great family, great faith, great plans and cute mission clothes. i can't think of anything more i could ask for. honestly.

with love, gratitude and a smile,
jade o

24 October 2007

"i'll be smiling on saturday. know that there are others just as excited for you as you are. nothing is better than watching the gospel of jesus christ change lives. i've been able to hear/see the change that you have experienced and i am so impressed. you are doing awesome. the difference is huge. you were always intelligent; you just seemed lost. you are a hard worker that gets what she puts her mind to, now you notice that there is a higher power to help you out. it makes one happy, to know that they aren't alone. even if the world turns its back on them someone is there to bring them home."

i have the most amazing friends. i cannot wait to serve then come home!

17 October 2007

it's funny how memories hit you

today i remembered driver's ed summer school.

i remembered the elation i experienced each time ryan took his seat next to me. i remembered comparing in my mind his doodle covered notes to my clean, crisp pages. summer was tres chaud. chuy's hair matched the heat rising from the asphalt. the best days of that month were the ones when he'd tell my mom to skip his house as a stop because he was coming over to ours. i worked so hard to play it cool, but my heart was on my sleeve and everyone knew it.

ryan and i had a little contest to see who would get the higher grade. we didn't speak of the competition, but all odds suggested i'd come out on top. on one of our tests he got one hundred percent and i missed one: "at what time during a rainstorm is the road most slick?" the options don't matter. i'm sure i'll never forget the correct answer (a few minutes after the storm starts, while oil and water are turning over each other on the asphalt) or ryan's comment, "i'm never driving with you in rain."

i don't think i ever got to drive with him in the rain. but on sunny days his driving lessons were the best. "see jade, you have to stop behind the line." i loved jeeps. he drove a cherokee. and i loved him.

a couple of weeks before the car accident, he showed up at the elder's quorum party at our house and coerced me into swimming with him. we swam for hours in our clothes, mostly oblivious to the army of onlooking adults. he rode his bike home and i walked to his house to watch a movie after changing into a drier outfit.

the tuesday after school started, three days before he died, we went to a shady dairy queen off of alexander. my appetite was always somewhere else when i was around him but i worked hard to choose the ice cream that would appear most attractive. sammi was with us. we laughed and laughed. he forced her to sit in the back so that i could have the front seat.

months after he died i was signed on to aim and his screenname popped up, "chuy869." for a split second my heart jumped like old times and i wondered if i would come up with anything entertaining enough to gain his approval.

one sunday at a fireside he told me i looked really hot. i never ever knew how genuine his comments were. my hair was down and long, my make up was like always. i was wearing my favorite lucky jean skirt and a salmon t-shirt from the polo outlet. i felt plain. the next day sammi told me that when they got home he kept talking about how "hot" i looked. i don't think i wore that outfit again.

freshman year car rides from chs to home were my favorite. sammi and i would laugh from the courtyard to the steps in front of the tennis courts. once we were both sick and coughing so we had loogie spitting contests. we were silly and had so much fun. we'd get into lolly's white car and wait and wait and wait for ryan. usually he would sit in the back with me and lolly would repeat over and over, "ryan, stop touching jade." i wished she would stop.

rat race became my favorite movie when he told me, "you're the best at playing with hair because you'll keep going for hours and hours." but that was only for him. after the movie casey came and picked him up, i went home and dreamed.

all of this went down five and a half years ago. i don't remember it every day. i don't remember it every month. i wonder what i'll reminisce about in five years, when i'm twenty five years old and still putting off real life. i wonder if the memories i'm creating now will be as bittersweet. and a lot i wonder about how ryan thinks i'm doing. i wonder if he hates the decisions i've made, or hates people in my life. i wonder if he's rooting for a certain major, or knows whether or not i'll marry one day. i'm sure he's excited about my mission and i'm sure he's serving his own. i wonder what would have happened to me if he hadn't gone. chris pfau predicted that i'd date chuy for a while then move to kyler bentsen and become unchaste. i wonder.

30 September 2007

good things

i'm going to start recognizing the things that make me happy, the things that i'm in love with and the things i'm grateful for.

this weekend was amazing and i'm so blessed to have had all of it happen. this is my shortened list of things that made me happy, things that i was in love with and things i was grateful for this weekend. . .
my generous boss, late night vanilla steamer conversation with julene, engineer chatter for two hours straight, feeling that i had done good after visiting mae in the hospital and keeping her awake, relief society, kens and sarah, the gray sky, president kelly saying 'addictive' rather than 'addicting', chase's face in the choir

starting now

for a while i was in a bit of a slump, an unhappy, unproductive, unexplainable slump.
talking to brad about life in general he said, "i feel like you're jaded now and that makes me feel bad." (brad is one of my favorites because can read between the lines. he can hear my voice in typed words.)
i had let myself go in more ways than one. it was ridiculous. i don't understand why i chose to let it happen.

so, last sunday, i started by grooming my brows. then i cleaned my house. then i studied and studied. starting now, i'm choosing not to let slumps happen in my life. kyle taught me the wonder of agency is that we can choose to be happy. i'm choosing happiness. and i'm focusing on righteous happiness.

this week i went to my institute class 'doctrines of the gospel' for the first time in three weeks. i had avoided it for somewhat obvious, but fairly stupid reasons. the evening before institute i went out to dinner with some pettys for bunny's birthday, then to reid and julene's (my mom's parents) to borrow a fondue pot and a recipe book. at dinner i engaged in conversation actively and merrily. i asked and listened and was listened to. i loved it. at reid's house i chatted with my grandma about many aspects of life. i loved it. after institute i asked myself, "why do i choose not to do so many things that make me happy?" why do i choose to skip prayers? why don't i read the scriptures more? why don't i work harder at school? when i do all of those things i am so happy. i'm righteously happy. when i stay upstairs and chat with bunny, i'm happy. when i call and check on my little sisters, i'm happy. when i bake, i'm happy.

starting now i'm going to be better. i'm happy when i'm good, so i'm going to be good. or at least better.

28 September 2007

last thing

before i go. . .

i think it's time for another music video. i really love music videos. i guess that statement is conditional. i like videos that become a part of the song in a way, videos as visually stimulating as the song is aurally stimulating. one of my latest favorites is first love by the maccabees.

i love the guy with the lipstick hand.
i love the lyrics.
so critical.
nothing's perfect, but i'm hoping i'll do.
but i will not do.
'cause nothing's perfect, so i'll have to make due. . .
it's my mistake, no mistaking.
i would take it back if i could. . .
i made my bed. i'll lie in it
and pillow talk you into it. . .
it's only love.
i love the color tones.
and i love the lead singer, especially the lines around his mouth.

when the dust settles

sometimes i really like the feeling of when i'm left at home alone. not home alone all night, but when people have been over then leave and i'm able to get on with my life. for example, it's a great feeling when a date ends early enough that i have time to watch a movie or catch up on laundry.

tonight is different. i'm not sure what it is.

i'm getting ready to drive twenty minutes south to murray. i'm staying at my mom's parent's house tonight and i am so excited about it. reid and julene are both people that make me really happy. they are so easy to be around and i can really look up to both of them. it should be a nice change of scenery.

presently, i want to talk to almost anyone, about almost anything. but at the same time, i don't know what i would say to a person sitting in front of me or listening over the phone line. the house is quiet and no music seems to fill the silence adequately. about an hour ago dance party tunes filled the basement, then things quieted down to conversation and scrubbing dishes. now, it's me and the clicking of the keyboard. having a companion on my mission will be interesting. i think i'll love it and hate it simultaneously. i think when i come home i'll have roommates (where ever i am). i may be better off being less isolated.

i wish i was in vegas talking to janelle. or i wish i had the courage to make simple phone calls. i'm going to pack and get in the car.

why i wish i was i boy

1. Single young men experience much less pressure to look good everyday. 15 minutes to get ready? Yes, please.

2. Guys get to choose who they ask out. Girls are acted upon and left with the burden of saying, "Yes," or "No."

3. Men's clothing is way cooler than women's clothing. I would much rather be shopping at The Rail than at Brass Plum.

4. Guys are allowed to be funnier than girls. If I did or said half of the hilarious things my friends do I'd be deemed a freak, I'm sure. Guys can be crazy and weird and it's okay, it's admirable. Girls are supposed to be witty but grounded. I wish I could be funnier.

5. Most importantly. . . Fathead Who doesn't want a one hundred dollar, life-sized picture of Jeff Gordon or Reggie Bush watching them as they sleep or observing as they dress and play? If I were male I would have a wall devoted to my athlete crushes. I would special order a John Stockton and put it next to the Steve Nash action shot. I would always be safe with the knowledge that these great men are watching over me as I rest after a long day. Without a doubt, no burglar or escaped convict that may find himself in my bedroom would lay a finger on me. He would be too afraid or too awed by the giant pictures on my wall. If you're a boy and reading this, I recommend you invest in a Fathead.

26 September 2007

ode to the best

i really really really miss wyatt. like really.

wyatt was the most patient with me. and the most readily available. he would do nice things, like leave me a homemade gourmet salad in the fridge with a note when i was stressed about a test.

he was an extraordinary listener and never chided me for my stupid mistakes.

wyatt enjoyed the value of good food. he introduced me to siegfried's and was always up for experimenting with the asian market or magic bullet.

one of my favorite adventures of ours was our winter break road trip to see nickel creek in tempe. we had so much fun dancing in the car, taking in the 70 degree az weather and hanging out with scott and paigey.

wyatt is one of those "do anything for you" type people. he would come over to make things less awkward with whoever else may be visiting the diggs. pretty much, he was/is/will continue to be amazing. july 2009 we will be reunited.