30 November 2007

on the future



i think maybe i'll run away to iceland or norway or denmark. or maybe just boston. and become a self taught photographer. i need to wipe the dust off of the canon ae-1 program eyeing me daily. and i need to save up for a rebel or the like and maybe a range finder and probably a super-8.

HENRI CARTIER-BRESSON: PHOTOGRAPHY:: SUFJAN: MUSIC
they are THE men.







don't ask me about my life right now

i am a ball of confusion. i hate this.
i hate that since kyle did his thing i question every action i take. i wonder whether or not every decision was the right one. (choosing to emerge from my covers at nine rather than eight may be a devastating wrong move. replying to a text or starting a thread of wall posts may not be what's right in my life.) this causes much anxiety and tumult at a time when my decisions mean everything. i know that i'm young and have time to completely figure life out, but the choices i make now will shape my future forever.
beyond questioning my actions, i question myself and who i am. never in my life have i felt so inadequate. my confidence level, i think, has plunged since january (when i had acne, stressful planning and a fiance who hated my parents). right now my life is so great and i have a lot going for me (accutane, room for spontaneity and weekly dates) but it all feels kind of wrong and i feel not enough. some days i wish to be able to go back to my first semester style social life: a boyfriend in provo to hang out with and make out with once a week, a random twenty-something male for the other weekend night and a best friend/cousin to escort me everywhere during the week. other days i'm able to convince myself that i'm growing. i hope that this time in my life is my metamorphosis. at present state i'm a caterpillar, one day i'll be a butterfly. maybe the mission will be the cocoon.
i'm not sure but i think i have my first crush since the k man. the other day my friend said, "i wish i had a crush. it makes things so much more exciting." i disagree. i hate it. i can't stand the uncertainty. i hate that half of my head says, "it's okay, just do it." and the other half says, "yeah right. don't try. don't think about it. just don't." ultimately i have two weeks left in the salty city so there's no point, among other reasons.
i guess, though, that i should feel liberated by my interest in another. but that in itself feels horrible. when i realize that i'm on my way to getting over kyle i get kind of panicky. it's strange. but somewhere in my brain the thought is, "if i don't have the purpose of making him happy and working hard for his approval then what is my purpose? what will i do with my thoughts if they aren't primarily of what i can do for him?" i don't think i ever imagined moving on really happening. but it has to. it really has to. i think i'm getting there, even if it's through several steps forward then a few steps back.
this all is only the tip of the iceberg of question in my life. everything else from my january plans to a major to what to listen to on itunes is up in the air. let's be happy for that. maybe there will be surprises and opportunities to go against the grain coming up.

08 November 2007

a letter: to a friend, on the temple

The temple. Where do I find words to explain my thoughts? It was amazing, the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. It was so true, so pure, so good. I had no idea what to expect. Everyone had given me such mixed first time reviews. I walked out struck by awe.
I'm so glad that I chose the Salt Lake City temple. I think that it has been and always will be 'my temple'. My parents worried whether a live session would be right for me. It was. It was perfect.
Janelle was frustrated as I started making plans to go through. You know how logical and linear my mind is. I wanted to choose a date and place, make a list of people I wanted there and call it good. She advised me to be less concrete and to let the Spirit lead me. Sometimes I struggle with that. I'd rather think things out than 'feel' them out. And I want answers immediately. So I made an appointment at the Las Vegas temple and wrote it in my planner in dark ink. Later, at work that day, I really, really felt inclined to invite my boss, Drue. I also wanted to invite the Sneeds, Kyle's mom and my bishopric. I know that I was supposed to rearrange my plans. (Three lessons learned: 1. be flexible, 2. trust your mom, 3. listen for the Spirit in all things) I called the LV temple and cancelled then called the SLC temple and made an appointment for the 10 am session, Saturday October 27. I was guided to the right decision. I know that I was supposed to be there with that group. A couple of the people involved completely took me under their senior citizen wings. Before I left they told me the hours they are usually in the temple and asked me to visit before I go.
After the session and changing into street clothes, Lauren (Holley Anderson, she's married!) and I walked past a mirror. I felt like I looked different. I still feel like a different person. I feel stronger and more spiritually fortified. I feel like there is more ahead of me and more behind me than I have ever realized. I feel more grateful but still not as grateful as I should be. I feel one step closer to the life I want to live.
The temple is such an amazing blessing. I am so happy to have it as a place of refuge. I intend to take full advantage of the peace there. I know taht it will help ease my wandering, tumultuous mind. I don't know that the temple can be 'talked up'. if it can, it needs to be more. I feel like I wasn't as excited as I should have been. I tell all of my friends that they should start looking forward to the day they go now. It is so wonderful, cohesive, and right. It all comes together and feels so good.
I haven't been able to go back yet, but tomorrow is my ward's temple night. I'm excited to go back!
I wish missionaries were able to go more. I think the temple is such a rejuvenating place. It would only help their efforts. There is a temple in Taipei, about four hours (by train) from my mission. I heard from the father of an elder who served in Taipei that he saw missionaries from another mission at the temple a few times. I hope to be able to go. I should send you a picture of it. It is beautiful!
Elder, I'm grateful for you. Thank you for your example. Keep up the good work.

06 November 2007

oh yes

internet audience-

you honestly wouldn't believe how happy my life is. how happy is it? so happy, so amazingly happy. i am blessed. i have great friends, a great family, great faith, great plans and cute mission clothes. i can't think of anything more i could ask for. honestly.

with love, gratitude and a smile,
jade o