21 December 2009

teaching haikus

for one of my classes about teaching/education we had to do a brief, creative presentation on what we learned this semester. i convinced my group to write haikus.

this is what we learned about urban education...

white man does not care
urban youth are in distress
inner city mess

change is in our minds
caring teachers save the day
reaching out to them

ps- as of 11:19 today i am officially finished with this semester. yes.

17 December 2009

in celebration...

"it's been quite of a while since i could experience your brightness.
now you've got a brighter smile and i think i'm going to like it.
talking 'bout the better things, you know how to maximize.
everything around you will become super-sized."

i think this is my favorite picture of cody and i.

he knows that i love croquet. so he gave me a portable croquet set to follow us on our many adventures around the world. isn't he wonderful?

16 December 2009


"i waited a long, long time.
i waited a long, long time."

since august 17 i've waited for this day to come. four long months. tomorrow is it. i can think of nothing else. studying lit terms is futile.

tomorrow i'll take my last in class final. (blast my stupid chinese take home!) i'll go home and pack a tiny bag and finish tidying up. i'll eat lunch with my beloved clara. she'll drive me to the airport. i'll fly to tucson. cody and i will drive north together.

cody is moving to utah! hooray!

13 December 2009

it's true. i do love mandi and clara and david and wyatt and lauren and whitney and cody and many others. i am blessed immensely with wonderful people in my life.

during summer, my friend told me that i raped the meaning of the words "favorite" and "best" by overuse. but, i mean, really, can you have too many favorites? can you have too many bests? his argument was that superlatives signify singularity. my argument is that having many many favorite songs and a dozen best friends increases my happiness.

(i just remembered that on my mission i was accused of the same thing. it's interesting the labels you are marked with by people you see a few times a week in the mission field, or companions that spend six continuous weeks at your side.)

12 December 2009

Mandi Is My Favorite

I just want to let everyone know how much I love my friend Mandi. She is wonderful.** I blog so much about Cody that I've neglected to mention how wonderful Mandi and Clara are.

** OK So Jade's account was pulled up when I went to post on my blog... but I bet she really does think I'm wonderful.

10 December 2009

merry christmas. love, band aid 20.

way cool that they redid the song twenty years later. way cool that the involved are exclusively british artists. way cool that they found awesome people to participate (thom yorke, lead singer of travis, the thrills, girl from s club 7, lead singer of ash, robbie williams, chris martin, keane, lead singer of the darkness).

there was also a band aid ii. they released a track in 1989 (five years after the original). it wasn't very good, so i won't waste your time.

09 December 2009

one reason my life is super awesome

i don't know that i've ever laughed so hard, so many ways, so much.

30 November 2009

what are you thankful for? pt. 2

i'm thankful for...
-cody and everything about him
-my mission
-parents who love and support me
-cute little sisters
-great, patient friends
-loving family
-the word of god
-numerous means of communication, esp. skype
-weekly meals
-not worrying about the future
-opportunities to learn

25 November 2009

what are you thankful for? pt. 1

i love this. look at how happy people are when they talk about what they are grateful for!

24 November 2009

give thanks

this afternoon i noticed something that i'm certain i do on a regular basis. it's awful...

my car was almost out of gas. seriously, running on fumes. the "range" display told me that i had 0 miles until empty. i was several miles from the costco where i intended to fill my tank. i drove impatiently, practically throwing my arms up, my head back and my voice out each time i hit a red light or too turtle-like vehicle. i hoped and prayed and prayed that i would make it to the pump.
i made it. i filled the 4runner, and made it to work on time. all quite miraculous. i realized as i drove toward econova that i had prayed and prayed (pleaded) that Heavenly Father would save me from sitting on the side of the road, waiting for someone to rescue me with a gas can. i had prayed. God had delivered. i had not thanked.

it happens all the time. i pray for little miracles, receive them, then think that it they happened by my own effort or by coincidence or thanks to some other outside force. i have decided to be more mindful of the blessings i am given. everything is a blessing. and all of it comes from above. what a wonderful time to work harder at giving appropriate thanks to He who provides.

22 November 2009

we write poetry

here's one of my recent haikus...

concentrate passion
like overly rich grape juice
please, stain my white shirt


i constantly wish cody was here.
it is the worst feeling, and the greatest.

the good news is...
last time he was in town some mix ups with flights put him onto one that was overbooked and scheduled to fly out much later than he had hoped. having already missed the day's classes, he opted for an extra night with me and a $400 travel voucher from delta and gave his seat up.
we just used the voucher to buy the means to see each other.

this wednesday evening i fly to phoenix. his parents will pick me up and together we will drive to tucson for thanksgiving. the following monday i will fly home.

the friday after that cody will come to salt lake city. his classes finish the day prior, so he'll stay into the following week, joining us for new food wednesday on tuesday! wednesday morning he'll fly back. (thank you too full flight!)

eight days after cody's departure, thursday the 17th, i shall fly one way to tucson. we will both be finished with finals. my home will be prepared for guest(s). cody's room will be boxed and placed in the back of his little suv. on friday we will make the 12 hour drive to the salt lake valley and cody will officially live in utah again!

less than four weeks until he moves here. and we'll have nine whole days and ten whole nights together in between.

perfect prep for a wonderful christmas season.

also, wedding in four months! (then we won't have to live in different cities!)

19 November 2009

suupppeeeerrrrr BORED.

my mind refuses to sit still. that would be okay, if i didn't have a million things to do. i am incapable of accomplishing on this day.

what have i done since i came to work? chatted with chanen, filed a bit, read a few emails, read a million articles on nutrition (foods mentioned over and over: fish, soy, almonds, oatmeal. i like all of those!), talked with cody, cleaned up my google reader. that's about it. i feel good about the nutrition research (yesterday and today obesity was discussed in two different classes).

i have an hour left, and then i will be off of work. you should spend 8 minutes of my hour reading this. emily dickinson, quoted from a conversation with thomas wentworth higginson, 1870.

"If I read a book [and] it makes my whole body so cold no fire ever can warm me I know that is poetry. If I feel physically as if the top of my head were taken off, I know that is poetry. These are the only ways I know it. Is there any other way.
How do most people live without any thoughts. There are many people in the world (you must have noticed them in the street) How do they live. How do they get strength to put on their clothes in the morning.
When I lost the use of my Eyes it was a comfort to think there were so few real books that I could easily find some one to read me all of them.
Truth is such a rare thing it is delightful to tell it.
I find ecstasy in living - in mere sense of living is joy enough."

[my favorite parts are bolded.]

i want to make your body cold and take off the top of your head. maybe one day i'll have a room where i can write like that.

i like emily d. because she was a rebel. she didn't act as society prescribed. she was unconventional. cody and i prefer to throw convention to the wind (in our little ways. actually, we are probably quite conventional. he opens the door for me and stuff.).

if you have the interest, read "Because I could not stop for Death". my classmate, brett, and i came up with an awesome argument based on that poem. i like to discuss literature; it makes my ideas bolder (melanie tells me that i'm not brave enough in papers).

18 November 2009

"her thoughts flew out her ears and lit up the skies like fireflies..."

01 November 2009

recent countdowns

my life used to revolve around whatever big event was coming up. high school led to graduation. freshman year to iceland. sophomore year to the mtc. the mtc to taiwan...
i still look toward upcoming events. but the countdowns i celebrate now are different.

the countdown i'm currently in orbit around in cody's next trip to salt lake city. 4 DAYS.
other countdowns we're working on...
thanksgiving in tucson. 3 WEEKS 3 DAYS.
cody moves to utah after finals. 6 WEEKS.
we are married. 4 MONTHS 3 WEEKS.
summer internship somewhere. 6 MONTHS.
i graduate from the u/we move to tucson. 9 MONTHS.
cody graduates from ua. 18 MONTHS.

i like living life this way. i like having things to look forward to. my favorite countdowns right now are the ones involving cody coming north. friday morning couldn't get here faster.

30 October 2009

another reason we love cody. he shares cool things like this...

thank you, dear.

(also watch the two associate videos. kind of like the making of.)

08 October 2009

i forgot how much i love this video until today.

this is what happened. i woke up with flight of the conchords: "foux de fa fa" in my head. it stayed until this afternoon when i used grooveshark to listen to the the new zealand duo singing it, instead of continuing to listen to myself attempting to. the song reminded me of the feel of kings, especially songs like "cayman islands" and "misread". so i started listening to the album riot on an empty street and then came to watching the video. it is spectacular.

05 October 2009

cody is a real boy

"...For there is nothing which is good save it comes from the Lord..."-Omni 1:25

Have I told you lately how blessed I am? How wonderful my life is? How happy things are? I am incredibly blessed, blessed beyond that which I deserve. My life is extraordinarily wonderful; I have wonderful friends, wonderful family, and a wonderful fiance. Things are super happy. Super duper happy. I know that it all comes from one place. Heavenly Father loves me so much! He has given me so much. I need to be more grateful. I must find out how I can truly "offer [my] whole soul as an offering unto Him." (Omni 1: 26)

Cody was in town a bit more than a week ago. His parents were here too, for his younger brother's ordination to the office of an elder. The Kirks are spectacular. I love them, especially their middle son.

02 October 2009

yesterday i wore uggs all day. autumn is officially here. the thought thrills me. this is my favorite time of the year. everything is so crisp, colours are so rich, layers are so legit.

my summer music ventures were interesting, very interesting, because june 15 marked my reentry. i had left that part of life, or stepped one foot out, placing it smack dab in the middle of the best of religious hits. i'd like to think that i dove back into that which i used to love so much head first. i don't know. maybe my tastes are skewed. i mean, i did listen to mc hot dog on the way to work today.

summer playlists. in order of discovery/obsession/over-heating on my itunes...
where are you go-go-going: loney, dear (the first song i listened to after being released. i'd hate to be sacriligious, but it was spiritual.)
glory: 12 girls band
寶貝(in a day): 張懸 (taiwanese!)
pogo: digitalism (the first "new" song i found.)
kim & jessie: m83
gobbledigook: sigur ros (reintroduction to ardor.)
shake it: metro station (i love this song. i cannot deny it.)
love game: lady gaga (guilty pleasure #2. janelle hates me for this.)
good old fashioned nightmare: matt & kim
kids: mgmt
beauty us: dogs die in hot cars
little bit: lykke li
signs: bloc party
home: edward sharpe and the magnetic zeros
(my favorite song of the summer!)
i gotta feeling: black eyed peas (clara!)
something for the good boys: dogs die in hot cars
electric feel: mgmt
l.e.s. artistes: santogold
(cheeky squeaky.)
if i was a boy: beyonce (not guilty.)
skinny love: bon iver (first concert. ecstacizing.)
ce jeu: yelle (theme song of summer.)
piece of wood: youth group ("we'll make it through summer" mix, never delivered.)
annie use your telescope: jack's mannequin
evident utensil: chairlift
bruises: chairlift
our life is not a movie or maybe: okkervil river
(david. las vegas.)
we own the sky: m83
mango tree: angus, julia stone (brendan.)
she doesn't get it: the format (chloe/petty powell party.)
back to you: coconut records (tucson. love.)
cast a hook: laura veirs
wrecking: laura veirs
tiny birds: yo la tengo
(trip to lake powell.)
pablo and andrea: yo la tengo
peach, plum, pear (joanna newsome cover): final fantasy
(u of u campus.)
folding chair: regina spektor (avenues street fair.)
eet: regina spektor
1910: phoenix
lasso: phoenix

the fall playlist has started. featuring new man: desert sounds, daniel: bat for lashes, the unicorns and bon iver.
yes, this season will be grand.

01 October 2009

"Doogie Howser, M.D." was my favorite television show. In kindergarten I knew I would marry Doogie or someone just like him. I probably closed my eyes and pretended my victim was wearing a white lab coat as I ran around playing "kissy tag" on the Lowell E.S. playground.

Now Neil Patrick Harris is out of the closet. And I'm marrying Cody. I'm sure that we're both happier this way.

22 September 2009

autumn is a dream

welcome to the first day of autumn. this day began at 5:18 est.

to salute this season, my favorite season, i sit in the econova inc. reception area, "young goodman brown" by nathaniel hawthorne (the scarlet letter seems more fitting) on the desk in front of me, sipping hot white chocolate soy milk, listening to "crack the shutters" by snow patrol (shared by cody), pondering layers and scarves, dark nail polish (i've decided on 'grey nails october'), justified warm drinks, changing leaves, a fall soundtrack, fall break in tucson and vegas, pumpkin baked goods, thanksgiving, candy making day, the commencement of my 23rd year, the unparalleled smell of the furnace.

it is going to be a great quarter, i do not doubt.

17 September 2009

i really hope that jackson, the little boy i used to nanny, turns out just like jay-z. today a wonderful memory of listening to kanye west with jacks went through my head. we both danced. he spun around on the floor and got really into the beat. hip-hop must be in his blood. he's going to marry a babe just like beyonce.

"happy endings" by margaret atwood

i'm still deciding. presently writing a paper on the tone of this short story.

John and Mary meet.
What happens next?
If you want a happy ending, try A.


John and Mary fall in love and get married. They both have worthwhile and remunerative jobs which they find stimulating and challenging. They buy a charming house. Real estate values go up. Eventually, when they can afford live-in help, they have two children, to whom they are devoted. The children turn out well. John and Mary have a stimulating and challenging sex life and worthwhile friends. They go on fun vacations together. They retire. They both have hobbies which they find stimulating and challenging. Eventually they die. This is the end of the story.


Mary falls in love with John but John doesn't fall in love with Mary. He merely uses her body for selfish pleasure and ego gratification of a tepid kind. He comes to her apartment twice a week and she cooks him dinner, you'll notice that he doesn't even consider her worth the price of a dinner out, and after he's eaten dinner he fucks her and after that he falls asleep, while she does the dishes so he won't think she's untidy, having all those dirty dishes lying around, and puts on fresh lipstick so she'll look good when he wakes up, but when he wakes up he doesn't even notice, he puts on his socks and his shorts and his pants and his shirt and his tie and his shoes, the reverse order from the one in which he took them off. He doesn't take off Mary's clothes, she takes them off herself, she acts as if she's dying for it every time, not because she likes sex exactly, she doesn't, but she wants John to think she does because if they do it often enough surely he'll get used to her, he'll come to depend on her and they will get married, but John goes out the door with hardly so much as a good-night and three days later he turns up at six o'clock and they do the whole thing over again.

Mary gets run-down. Crying is bad for your face, everyone knows that and so does Mary but she can't stop. People at work notice. Her friends tell her John is a rat, a pig, a dog, he isn't good enough for her, but she can't believe it. Inside John, she thinks, is another John, who is much nicer. This other John will emerge like a butterfly from a cocoon, a Jack from a box, a pit from a prune, if the first John is only squeezed enough.

One evening John complains about the food. He has never complained about her food before. Mary is hurt.

Her friends tell her they've seen him in a restaurant with another woman, whose name is Madge. It's not even Madge that finally gets to Mary: it's the restaurant. John has never taken Mary to a restaurant. Mary collects all the sleeping pills and aspirins she can find, and takes them and a half a bottle of sherry. You can see what kind of a woman she is by the fact that it's not even whiskey. She leaves a note for John. She hopes he'll discover her and get her to the hospital in time and repent and then they can get married, but this fails to happen and she dies.

John marries Madge and everything continues as in A.


John, who is an older man, falls in love with Mary, and Mary, who is only twenty-two, feels sorry for him because he's worried about his hair falling out. She sleeps with him even though she's not in love with him. She met him at work. She's in love with someone called James, who is twenty-two also and not yet ready to settle down.

John on the contrary settled down long ago: this is what is bothering him. John has a steady, respectable job and is getting ahead in his field, but Mary isn't impressed by him, she's impressed by James, who has a motorcycle and a fabulous record collection. But James is often away on his motorcycle, being free. Freedom isn't the same for girls, so in the meantime Mary spends Thursday evenings with John. Thursdays are the only days John can get away.

John is married to a woman called Madge and they have two children, a charming house which they bought just before the real estate values went up, and hobbies which they find stimulating and challenging, when they have the time. John tells Mary how important she is to him, but of course he can't leave his wife because a commitment is a commitment. He goes on about this more than is necessary and Mary finds it boring, but older men can keep it up longer so on the whole she has a fairly good time.

One day James breezes in on his motorcycle with some top-grade California hybrid and James and Mary get higher than you'd believe possible and they climb into bed. Everything becomes very underwater, but along comes John, who has a key to Mary's apartment. He finds them stoned and entwined. He's hardly in any position to be jealous, considering Madge, but nevertheless he's overcome with despair. Finally he's middle-aged, in two years he'll be as bald as an egg and he can't stand it. He purchases a handgun, saying he needs it for target practice--this is the thin part of the plot, but it can be dealt with later--and shoots the two of them and himself.

Madge, after a suitable period of mourning, marries an understanding man called Fred and everything continues as in A, but under different names.


Fred and Madge have no problems. They get along exceptionally well and are good at working out any little difficulties that may arise. But their charming house is by the seashore and one day a giant tidal wave approaches. Real estate values go down. The rest of the story is about what caused the tidal wave and how they escape from it. They do, though thousands drown, but Fred and Madge are virtuous and grateful, and continue as in A.


Yes, but Fred has a bad heart. The rest of the story is about how kind and understanding they both are until Fred dies. Then Madge devotes herself to charity work until the end of A. If you like, it can be "Madge," "cancer," "guilty and confused," and "bird watching."


If you think this is all too bourgeois, make John a revolutionary and Mary a counterespionage agent and see how far that gets you. Remember, this is Canada. You'll still end up with A, though in between you may get a lustful brawling saga of passionate involvement, a chronicle of our times, sort of.

You'll have to face it, the endings are the same however you slice it. Don't be deluded by any other endings, they're all fake, either deliberately fake, with malicious intent to deceive, or just motivated by excessive optimism if not by downright sentimentality.

The only authentic ending is the one provided here:
John and Mary die. John and Mary die. John and Mary die.

So much for endings. Beginnings are always more fun. True connoisseurs, however, are known to favor the stretch in between, since it's the hardest to do anything with.

That's about all that can be said for plots, which anyway are just one thing after another, a what and a what and a what.

Now try How and Why.

11 September 2009

sorry laura veirs. i'm not very great with consistency.

sorry everyone else. i do not cease to be an awful communicator. at least i'm consistent in that!

29 August 2009

laura: the beginning

let's start from the beginning. december 2005. this is the video i saw...

it propelled me to her myspace site, then to purchasing the album on itunes. ktp and i would listen for hours, mostly playing "galaxies" over and over. "32 plays?! obsess much?" before long i had other favorites on the album. each song appealed to me for a separate reason.

28 August 2009

a week for laura

laura veirs has done a lot for me the last few days. the last few weeks, actually. my love was rekindled as dave and i drove home from vegas.
she is spectacular. she makes my life better. this week has been full of blessings. i have no right to complain, and laura keeps me from doing so. when i wish i could fill the air with laughter or conversation or the mere presence of the one i love, i fill it with laura's soft chords.
seven days devoted to her...

this is possibly my favorite song from her latest album. i don't know if i can choose favorites with her. that may be like choosing a favorite sibling.

26 August 2009

the plate: conclusion

i returned home from lake powell to a brown kohler's sac marked "for jade". inside of the paper bag was a plastic grocery bag. inside the grocery bag, my white plate. now it is washed and mixed in with the other seven. no one will ever know which it is.

now the ties are cut completely. it is good.

13 August 2009

press release

today i bought a blizzard at dairy queen. in high school i used to eat dipped cones with liz after work. other than that, i don't like dairy queen. what i do like is giving. today was miracle treat day. i didn't enjoy the ice cream very much, but i did enjoy feeling like local children in need of miracles gained as my stomach was filled.

all good works should be reported. philanthropists are nothing unless they tell everyone.

also, one of my life goals is to donate $100,000 to charity. i'm wondering if that should be a lump sum or if i should start keeping track of small contributions and shoot for reaching the goal by the end of my life.

"if living is giving,
i'm ready. i'm willing."

"i'm thinking about how i just want to open up
and give and give and give."

11 August 2009

work is slow

and i am so bored.
new computer. bosses in meetings. 2 phone calls so far all day.

so i composed some emails and looked through my gmail account. i found many interesting things. this included... (c. november 2005)

Things that have changed my life (in no particular order)
-August 30, 2002
-David Bradley Mitchell and Lauren (Anne) Holley
-my first honest crush in three years
-a July conversation concerning absinth, attraction, attachment and agnosticism
-sigur ros and takk...
-a medical examination by Dr. Markel

A few of my favorite things...
dancing at shows. pale pink fingernails. artichokes. balanced checkbooks. color coded calendars. perks. sharing books with lauren. ready made. analyzing lyrics. i am sam. boba. a mom who remembers. volvos and saabs. naps. places for everything. rainbow closets. pearls. receiving emails and letters. photography. layers. woodburning fireplaces. life plans. curled eyelashes. large deposits. new music. knitting. lindsay gardens. clearance. a's on late night papers. kickin' it dorm style. random phone calls. the smell of dust in the furnace. crashing on couches. traveling with friends. experimenting with fruit in kitchen. music from my past. lists. martha stewart tendencies. fortune cookies. new friends. understanding. pats on the back. long drives seasoned with good conversation. otsumami. the crunching sound of fresh snow under my feet. nicknames.

i guess a lot has changed, and not much at all. those events are still important. and i still like most of those things.

soon i'm going to clean out my external hard-drive. expect treasures.

kalaar is kewl

read her

love her

of the weekend


i cannot count the number of times dave and i listened to this song.

latest decision my life faces: come home from the lake on thursday to see okkervil river and iron and wine play the twilight concert series. or stay with my family in an overcrowded (cozy) houseboat until saturday.

from the speakers your fake masterpiece comes serenely dribbling.

08 August 2009

also, this week i have discovered that there are things that i resent. i used to resent nothing. i'm not sure about the change.

the realization hit me as keith and i heard "beverly hills" play on our way to the airport. i resent that that is weezer's most listened to track.
i resent feeling controlled by another's decisions. do not put walls between me and those i want to speak to. do not let your actions decide what i can and cannot do, what is and is not appropriate. it is never inappropriate for me to care.

i want to call her and hug her and hear her cry. she was a role-model and i loved her.

this week we will listen to jazz. and remember.

27 July 2009

a mode

i have decided to get my plate back.
i am going to be brave and bold. there is a lot that i can't get back, but the dinner plate i can.

so, the next decision... do i call the number i still have memorized? if i call do i use my cellular phone (which holds a new number), a work phone or my grandparents' home phone? or should i email from the account i have always had? or should i use facebook to look up the former friend (no longer on my friends list)?

i hate decisions.

yesterday i was told that i am "the most non-committal person ever". a gross overstatement filled with truth.
yesterday evening i experienced a neat little realization (i'd say epiphany, but do not want to sound overly dramatic).

i cannot focus well on a phone conversation without pacing. i think the carpet from the john wayne room to my kitchen sink has been worn down by this habit of mine. last night i received a phone call while at my aunt and uncle's home. i had no place to pace inside, and i wanted privacy, so i moved outdoors. after a few laps around their front lawn, i decided to walk further. two birds, one pleasant stone. i figured out that can do some light exercise (brisk walking) while i engage in enthralling conversation over my mobile phone. cool.

let's add a third bird. while walking around the neighborhood, i saw some cool things... a few children and a man who i assume to be their father lined up at a port-a-potty on a construction site. a kid standing in a trash can. some very fine looking houses. two awesome bugs fighting each other on the wall. insect traps set out by the state. wonderful foliage. beautiful clouds. it was sort of an adventure, and i grew closer to nature!

call me sometime so i can justify taking a walk.

24 July 2009

i am incredibly uncreative and incredibly boring.
i feel so boring lately. i don't have a lot to talk about. i have things in my head that cannot become words. i'm caught in between new music and old favorite. i'm not in with the latest styles and trends (beside cupcakes and frozen yogurt).
there are some people that i wish i could say something interesting and clever to. i rack my brain for something witty. i want to make them smile. i fail.

i'm not able to sleep in. curse.
after showering and deciding i want my hair to be frizzy, i tried to watch the office (season 3, i'm remembering before i watch season 4). clara was sleeping. my mom was talking about vegas. phoebe was around. i failed to focus on michael scott's business school presentation or any other feature of our park city condominium, so instead i cleaned up my googlereader. i know so many amazing people. my friends are so cool. i looked at photographs, read words, browsed etsy shops, wished to absorb bits of my acquaintances.

i am boring. i can't be a photography major because i feel that it is unstable. my garden died because of my instability. my apartment is so 2005.

i am bored.

i'm listening to mum, desiring an icelandic accent. today i'm going to aspirate before my ks. that will be exciting.

to make all of this worse... see the little delicate amazing wrist watch in the three pictures to the right? i sent it home from the mtc to protect it from missionary life. it is gone. new york city, make me a new one.

and i wish my cousins would get back faster.

22 July 2009

black t-shirt

july 9 was my first day back in the diggs. i can't describe the feeling. my heart is like a jigsaw puzzle. each piece is tied to an event, a person, a place, a song, a taste. the pieces, i guess, are always there. the piece that is iceland will never leave. the piece that is taiwan is kind of achy. the piece that is salt lake city yearns for this city and what it holds each time i'm away. my first week here, that little piece glowed brightly. when wyatt and miles return, the piece will again light up. you'll see it through my eyes.

july 9 i came home from the twilight series concert with the concert piece of my heart enlarged. bon iver ecstacized me. the buzz was killed as my eyes fell upon suitcases and boxes to be unpacked. furniture stacked in the corner. nothing was a home. rarely do i crave people in general, but that thursday night i wanted someone else there. anyone would have done. near midnight i realized how hungry i was. my eating habits in utah are not that great. my apartment was stocked with purchases ireva made for me. nothing looked appetizing. all i wanted was propel. i snuck out of around the back for the first time since december 2007 (it probably doesn't count because neuman and bunny were sleeping anyway). i drove to the nearest 7-11. (let me tell you quickly that 7-11 in america is really lame in comparison to 7-11 in taiwan.) i wandered the store much longer than necessary, examining every products label for clever marketing and nutrition facts and enjoying the company of the only employee present. in the frozen section i found one of my new favorite things. marzipan makes my face smile. ben and jerry demonstrated the genius we have all been aware of by creating mission to marzipan. this seven had no propel, so i picked up some vitamin water. as i stepped out of the store, i realized that all of my dishes and utensils were still boxed up. i turned around and asked my new friend, the black haired clerk, where i may find a spoon. she directed me to an area in the corner. i grabbed a plastic fork, spoon and knife to be my cutlery until i became settled. i used those disposable items for a while.

now most boxes are unpacked. books are on the shelf, dishes are in the cupboard, silverware is in the drawer. my dishes are white and plain. (i am so plain lately. i like it.) i have 8 cereal bowls, 8 salad bowls, 8 small plates and 7 dinner plates. the eighth dinner plate has become my latest dilemma. i know where it is. i know what must be done to get to it, but i'm not sure if it's worth it. my best friends will bear second witness for the statement that i am unable to make decisions on my own. i cannot do it. i ask someone else to help me almost every time. this is the decision i am facing this week. make it for me.
i can either... make an awkward phone call or type an awkward email asking for my plate. the receiving end of this communication may or may not have said dishware in their possession. it could be broken. it could have been discarded. it could have been given to another to get it off of their hands and out of their kitchen. chances are, if they still have the plate, i will drive to their home and clumsily pick it up. i'll smile too much, try to make jokes and drive home shaking my head. option 2: i can do nothing about my white ceramic dinner plate and live with 7, remembering each time that i host a dinner party why i am missing one and where it is or could be. we can easily see the pros and cons to each choice, right? moments of torture that will seem to last forever until they are finished in exchange for the dish which is rightfully mine. versus a constant reminder of days that have withered in exchange for avoided confrontation. i am torn. i think i'm often torn.

decide for me. and then learn from my mistakes.

07 July 2009

it all is

everything in my life always works out.
most of the time i'm anxious or panicked or unsettled, because i don't see an end and i'm afraid of failure or unhappiness. but everything in my life seems to work out in marvelous ways.

some recent examples:
-my second week home from taiwan i spent three days in salt lake city. i'm working on being kinder and more loving. to practice this, i went to visit my great-grandfather at his office. after a brief conversation summarizing the prior eighteen months, i walked with my grandmother to the car i was driving. in the parking lot, we ran into a business associate of the family, mark. i was introduced with unnecessary praise. i think soon i will grow tired of, "this is jade. she just returned from taiwan", but i am grateful for my grandmother's doting in this situation. mark asked, "so do you speak chinese?" affirmative, sort of. "are you employed?" negative. "would you like to be?" yes, please. and now i have a job. i will start monday. i will be able to use mandarin in my work place.
-after the salt lake trip, keith and i travelled to philadelphia. our four days in the city of brotherly love came to an end and we made our way to the airport to come back to las vegas. mix-ups, disagreements and foolish use of time contributed to our scheduled flight leaving without us. a few hours passed as we worked with usairways and united to work out our mistake. tensions ran high until we arrived at the japanese restaurant keith chose for dinner. we shared a few rolls then walked to max brenner. (i will later explain the magic of this place.) we ate chocolate and discussed meaningless details of life. the next morning we woke shortly after five, took the subway to the airport and arrived at our gate with time to spare. the flight was overbooked. keith made the executive decision to give our seats to others. charity? no. we were directed to a far away gate. our plane for los angeles left within minutes. we made it to las vegas about an our after we would have. i'm quite sure that we both felt pleased as we retrieved our luggage with a few hundred dollars worth of travel vouchers in pocket.
-last friday i called jordan with a question about the process of testing into upper-level mandarin classes. my shoulders tightened as he explained that i was registered for the wrong class. possible problems ran through my head one after another... it's probably too late and the right class is full... my schedule is already pretty set. how will i rearrange it?... as it is, i am unable to work as much as i would like to. this will only worsen the problem... jordan continued to explain chin 3060. i listened and searched utah.edu half frantically for the class i needed. i found it at an hour that fit perfectly after my pilates class with one open seat. overwhelmed with excitement, i practically hung up on my dear friend. i rewired my schedule, switched into a few more convenient time slots which had previously been unavailable and came out with more effective space for study and work.
-in philadelphia i made up my mind to move to salt lake earlier than expected. my list of purposes runs long. some of my reasoning would hurt and offend. some would flatter. i was most afraid of janelle's reaction. keith was apathetic but warned that my choice would tear my mother apart. i was frozen for days with secret plans to load up the 4runner. on saturday, a few asked when i would break the news. tomorrow. on sunday, i received several texts asking how she responded. she still hadn't. monday morning things didn't feel right. monday afternoon she was out. in the evening, over fairy princess dinner party preparations, i breathed deeply and told her i would be leaving the next day for salt lake city and i would be staying there for good. she said, "oh. okay," and turned back to barbie thumbelina package she had been in middle of opening. i started up the quiche and nothing more was said. none of the expected tears or shouts or emotions.

things work out for me. i am an incredibly blessed girl. i take too much for granted. and i don't do enough to be worthy of all that i am given. i still have a plethora of fears revolving around tomorrow and next month and next year, but things work out. in salt lake i can breathe. i shall breathe in my blessings and exhale thanks. i will use the rich air of mercy that i have been given to enrich the lives of others. with the oxygen of his love filling my lungs, i am able to do so much. so i shall do. and i will not be anxious or stressed or agitated. i will be at peace. i will work and move forward until the next dilemma is presented and overcome.

"The same everlasting Father who cares for you today will care for you tomorrow and every day. Either He will shield you from suffering or give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace then and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginings." -Saint Francis de Sales

04 July 2009

party harder friday

-the hour nap from eight to nine.
-the conversation in the car...
a: "i once dated a mexican guy. kissing him was weird. it was like his lips were really loose."
b: "llllloooose lllllips, eh?"
c: "it probably from all of those chrunchy tacos."
d: "and all of the chili peppers."
c: "yeah. definitely something cultural."
a: "really? cool."
-the clean guy in the line. seeing him look as out of place as i did.
-emily losing two dollars. she was supposed to win one thousand.
-the greatest people watching i have ever experienced.
-the couple i watched from the door until we left. blue shirt. green dress. head shaking as smoke exits the mouth. hanging on one another. nerds.

-my suddenly perfect posture. my body has never been more tense.
-the trashy americana outfits.
-the fire coming out of the ceiling. and the screams.
-the guy that looked like rivers. and only spoke to asian girls.
-"i like your moves... no, i really like your moves."
-the tallest black man i've ever seen. taller than jesse p. (6'8").
-the "serious" grinding next door.
-the way people try to look like they are still dancing as they walk from one place to another.
-"wild thing" (tone loc). THIS ONE TIME... at age 3 i said to julene, "i need fifty dollars to make you holler. i get paid to do the wild thing." keith and janelle started monitoring what i heard come out of the radio.
-wild thing leading into "gimme more" (britney spears). how i wish mandiscandal had been present.
-the two 80's couples. sweet shoulder pads. sweet sunglasses. sweet mustache.
-dj am is pretty fly.
-the best strategy: never turn your back to anyone. spending the whole night turning in circles.
-strategy failure: hand on my waist. more than that on my hip. quickly running. black man on emily and janelle. laughing until i almost died.
-"it's jay-z!" "where?"

-not moving enough to become sweaty.
-"what time is it?" x50
-"yeahhhh!" x100. because occasionally i'd catch myself being not excited.
-talking with hands.
-"i want to sit down." "then we better go."
-"what is going on tonight?... want to feel my six-pack?...in the uk we eat well."
-the perfect bum.
-the most hilarious drunk woman. watching them get in their car and then not wanting to get into ours.
-old man. blond toupe. white sports coat. bright blue jeans. green tank top. tan cowboy boots.
-janelle's excuses for me: "she still hasn't gone to a movie theatre... or a concert."
-more home at tea planet than anywhere else downtown.
-listening to a discussion of the ethnic make up of the crowd.
-never needing to go back.
-the defects of my body. i cannot sleep in.

03 July 2009

last night i ate sushi with an old friend i hadn't seen in two years.
this morning i enjoyed breakfast with another. four whole years since we had had a face-to-face conversation.

it is interesting to me that some of the people that know me best are those who see me the least.

we are so much older now.

29 June 2009

lately i clean out stuff. i've come across a lot. pleasant and unpleasant. good memories to be remembered. good memories to be forgotten. not so good memories to move on from. proof that i'm uninteresting to throw away.

this is what i found cleaning out my blogger account. a bunch of blogs started but not finished. story of my life, right? i still remember the context of some, so ask me questions if you'd like. or make up the conclusions. try to think like i do. it's not really that complex. 

17 Sept 2007
"Beauty is truth, truth beauty."

I always enjoy class more when I am well prepared. That is my main motivation is reading the night before a discussion rather than the night before a test.

Today in my Literature class we dove into two contrasting works sharing the theme of antiquity:Ozymandias by Percy Bysshe Shelley and Ode to a Grecian Urn by John Keats. I am in love with the words of great men. I am enamored of their ideas and rhetoric. I could converse with my professor for hours on technique and meaning and what I get from the poem.

These pieces were written only two years apart by

19 Sept 2007
"I ache for you. . ."

It's strange how our bodies have physical reactions to emotional and mental processes. I didn't understand Ben Lee's lyrics until I went to Iceland. I would sit in my dorm and feel this pull. My heart and chest literally ached for home; it hurt.

Yesterday Shanny and I went to the Shade Clothing store in American Fork the to Provo to visit friends. I couldn't stand the drive on US-89 (State St). It started with nausea as we passed small used care dealerships and The Purple Turtle. By the Chevron station where I used to fill my tank on the way back to my apartment at The Enclave my shoulders were much more tense than usual. When we came to the lot where a Hawaiian shaved ice stand sits through summer, across from the iron working place I could barely hold a conversation with Shan. Next came Kneaders, at this point I was hollow and nothing more. It was the strangest feeling, ineffable. It was like a piece of my insides were not there but not really anywhere else. It's just gone.

Consider stress and what it does to people. I find it fascinating

So much has changed since the July when I made the State Street drive almost daily. A lot of the time I wish I was angry, but I'm not. I wish I was apathetic, but I'm not. I wish I was happier now. What exactly I am I don't know. More independent

21 Sept 2007
every day.
still, every day.

not every second.
not every minute.
not every hour.
but every day.

not every turn.
not every laugh.
not every sigh.
but every day.

not as i meet.
not as i smile.
not as i drive.
but still every day.

every day.
every gray day.
every late day.
every good day.
every single day.

also 21 Sept 2007
stifled, suffocated in slc
transfer: washington, east, abroad

sometimes i'm not sure
i'm sure of that.

24 Sept 2007
"scratch my back."
"dude, you can't tell me what to do."
"yes i can. just do it."
"okay... i'm so glad you have the priesthood to direct me."
"i know. we're lucky."

four years to the perfect wife plan

Travis and I devised a plan that will make me the most desirable, well prepared girl when it comes to marriage. I'm pretty sure that we covered all of the bases. It will be a lot of work, but it will be worth it when I'm able to make my husband the happiest man in the world.

8 Oct 2007
two years later

I was so excited about conference this weekend. My heart did a backflip when Henry B. Eyring was sustained as the newest member of the First Presidency. I love that man. I love how tender he is. And I love his intelligence and his father's enigmatic knowledge of chemistry. I couldn't take in enough. The words of our leaders felt like a flood of spirituality replenishing my heart and soul after a brief drought. I was so disappointed by my ADD tendencies, but cannot wait to start rewatching a few talks each day on byu.tv (possibly my favorite website).

This conference was more reflective than most. (By most I mean the last three, being that those are the only ones I have really listened to.) Two Octobers ago I was probably sleeping until noon on conference Sunday, not that I would have been up any earlier if it were church Sunday. I'm so grateful for the changes since then. I'm grateful for the comfort the Spirit has brought into my life. I am so much happier now, so much happier watching General Conference than I was watching whatever it is that I watched.

Fall conference reminds me of

10 Dec 2007
my amazing weekend

let me tell you...

20 Dec 2007
we're starting day three of my stay in vegas. keith and i are already stepping on each others' toes.
i'm not "home" for the holidays. i'm in las vegas, staying at my parents' house for christmas.

26 Dec 2007
lyrique du jour

excuse me sir
i'm lost
i'm looking for a place
where i can get lost
i'm looking for a home
for my malfunctioning being
i'm looking for the mechanical music museum

this is a warning
i'll spell it out for you

excuse me miss
i'm a dog on heat
i'm a complicated being
with love songs to eat
i'm a poor, starving baby
who could march all night
i'm a mechanical music man
and i'm starting a fire

hot chip will break your legs
snap off your head
hot chip will put you down
under the ground

excuse me child
i am trying to see
all the colors of wonder
your brightness can be
return to nothingness
enjoy just might be right
but prepare yourself
for a mechanical fright

excuse me son
i'm found
i'm looking for a place
where i was once found
there's nothing in a world
where the melody is broken
there's always some way
to make your silence be spoken

30 Dec 2007
My idea is that there is music in the air, music all around us; the world is full of it, and you simply take as much as you require.  -Edward Elgar

27 June 2009

today i came to life

today was a good day, a really good day.

last night i went to sleep around 2, then woke up at 3 to be at the airport by 4. (note: these times are am, not afternoon.) i feared that my perpetual lack of sleep would have a negative affect on my time alone with keith. anyone who knows us knows how we get on each others nerves after a few hours in close proximity. the drive to mccarran international proved encouraging. we discussed my life. he was kind. he was supportive. he listened and gave his opinion but openly acknowledged my agency. what has happened the last two years? changes for the better.

my intention, once aboard the aircraft and en route to philadelphia, was to sleep. to sleep. to sleep. sleep didn't come. vegas to denver. 1.5 hours. i sat without thought.

i was impressed by keith's familiarity with the denver airport. we window-shopped our way to the gate, stopping for "breakfast". one of my new favorite things is a soy vanilla steamer. this morning's was my second this week. unsweetened soy milk became my best friend (one of many best friends) at some point in taiwan. he has not yet left my side. i pray that his companionship will continue to get me through life. have you ever sipped warm soy milk? there is something soothing and comforting, like milk without the mucus-y (wow, i'm disgusting) feeling down your throat. 

the flight from denver to rebel capital may be the turning point of my time home. 
i immersed myself in a novel, started before taiwan but never finished. oskar schell, the main character of extremely loud and incredibly close, is one of my favorite people. he's witty. he's quirky. and he's an elementary school student. jonathan safran foer is a man of style. reading him makes me think that i can think. i feel like i haven't thought in months. i definitely haven't thought in the past 12 days. mr. foer opened whatever door had been closed in my mind. thoughts, ideas and opinions have made their way into the corridor. they're walking, slowly and casually. energy is coming to them. fear not.
at some point keith consented to listening to my music. i tried to stick a sigur ros filled ear bud into the canal of his ear. he resisted. but, he did let me play mgmt and others. then put my headphones into his ipod, filling my brain with moby, snow patrol and more. music creates a bridge between me and everyone else. i am so grateful that keith and i have now erected that bridge. by wednesday i will be well on my way towards the other side of it.
i have been in america as a released sister missionary since june 15. until today i had not listened to sigur ros. what was i waiting for? i have my theories. you have yours. the most important point is that this afternoon i took advantage of my hours in the air. i listened and i loved. med sud i eyrum vid spilum endalaust is amazing. the best music i have listened to in a long time. it is filled with joy. not the whole album is peppy and optimistic, but it is. i don't know where jonsi is, but i'm happy for him. he's in a good place. and he has but me in a good place. today i heard him sing in english for the first time. where are words? i must watch heima soon.
after the album ended and i relistened to a few tracks. keith pointed out the office playing on the airplane's televisions. pam and jim are dating? i still have all of season four to catch up on. it felt so good to hold in my laughter. it was wonderful to flash glances at keith, to have him smile and nod. can funny tv make one funnier? it can make one lighter. this day i float.

we landed. i picked up my phone and prepared to call clara. getting to a restroom became priority. i put her on hold. we share a mind or a heart or a soul. she called me! she's here. she's in america. life is more whole. in less than two weeks i shall journey back to salt lake city. she will meet my life in utah and all of team jade will love her. again, words fail to convey what i think and feel. 

the rail to our hotel's neighborhood. keith's phone stopped working, so we stood in middle of the sidewalk trying to figure out what to do, how to get a hold of his business associates, etc. i kind black man stopped. he looked important. everyone here looks important. i think it's something about the way they dress or the way they stand or the way their faces look. he was warm. he asked if we were lost then didn't believe us when we said, "no." he directed us to our hotel and asked, sincerely, whether we needed further assistance. "city of brotherly love" flowed through my head. (cool that a brother showed love!) i feel connected to this place. i thought it would be cold and hard like much of the east coast is known to be. i was wrong. 

our hotel room is little but cute. two twin beds and a tiny bathroom. the tv is awkwardly situated above a desk. keith has found "his spot". i have mine directly behind him. 

after settling briefly and dealing with keith's busted mobile phone, we headed down to meet up with justin, another american leak detection employ and citizen of the united kingdom, and the city. deciding on dinner became an ordeal. the end was a happy one: korean followed by french desserts. conversation got interesting at the patisserie. british culture. british feelings towards the usa. american politics. obama. we meandered from the french restaurant to barnes and noble. i picked up a little moleskin notebook (i'm having planner withdrawals and have to write down what goes through my mind. maybe my thought processes and writing will get better as i use my new black book).  i love to talk. i love to listen. i feel wiser after tonight. i think it was a combination of justin's accent, walking past old brick buildings and feeling that my opinions were considered and of worth. 

now we're in the hotel again. i will be able to sleep for eight hours for the first time since my foot touched down on american soil. melatonin in my hand. a wake up call for eight am. 

the world is rosy. i am content. yeahhhhhhh!

23 June 2009

first favorite video

of the summer. 

i'm really digging music that reminds me of what keith and janelle played as i ate pink frosting cookies and bit lauren on the head. 
i like m83's recent sound. 

22 June 2009

"why do you have such poor communication skills post-mission?"

my life is not my own. i want my life (back).

last night i slept for seven hours. four more than i have any other day of the week. 
this is a start.
tomorrow i shall find myself in the land of my heart, even salt lake city. the next step towards my partial completion.

this is the summer of jade. by august 24 i plan to have some type of identity. you are invited along. team jade. celebrating jade. i am jade.