27 July 2009

a mode

i have decided to get my plate back.
i am going to be brave and bold. there is a lot that i can't get back, but the dinner plate i can.

so, the next decision... do i call the number i still have memorized? if i call do i use my cellular phone (which holds a new number), a work phone or my grandparents' home phone? or should i email from the account i have always had? or should i use facebook to look up the former friend (no longer on my friends list)?

i hate decisions.

yesterday i was told that i am "the most non-committal person ever". a gross overstatement filled with truth.
yesterday evening i experienced a neat little realization (i'd say epiphany, but do not want to sound overly dramatic).

i cannot focus well on a phone conversation without pacing. i think the carpet from the john wayne room to my kitchen sink has been worn down by this habit of mine. last night i received a phone call while at my aunt and uncle's home. i had no place to pace inside, and i wanted privacy, so i moved outdoors. after a few laps around their front lawn, i decided to walk further. two birds, one pleasant stone. i figured out that can do some light exercise (brisk walking) while i engage in enthralling conversation over my mobile phone. cool.

let's add a third bird. while walking around the neighborhood, i saw some cool things... a few children and a man who i assume to be their father lined up at a port-a-potty on a construction site. a kid standing in a trash can. some very fine looking houses. two awesome bugs fighting each other on the wall. insect traps set out by the state. wonderful foliage. beautiful clouds. it was sort of an adventure, and i grew closer to nature!

call me sometime so i can justify taking a walk.

24 July 2009

i am incredibly uncreative and incredibly boring.
i feel so boring lately. i don't have a lot to talk about. i have things in my head that cannot become words. i'm caught in between new music and old favorite. i'm not in with the latest styles and trends (beside cupcakes and frozen yogurt).
there are some people that i wish i could say something interesting and clever to. i rack my brain for something witty. i want to make them smile. i fail.

i'm not able to sleep in. curse.
after showering and deciding i want my hair to be frizzy, i tried to watch the office (season 3, i'm remembering before i watch season 4). clara was sleeping. my mom was talking about vegas. phoebe was around. i failed to focus on michael scott's business school presentation or any other feature of our park city condominium, so instead i cleaned up my googlereader. i know so many amazing people. my friends are so cool. i looked at photographs, read words, browsed etsy shops, wished to absorb bits of my acquaintances.

i am boring. i can't be a photography major because i feel that it is unstable. my garden died because of my instability. my apartment is so 2005.

i am bored.

i'm listening to mum, desiring an icelandic accent. today i'm going to aspirate before my ks. that will be exciting.

to make all of this worse... see the little delicate amazing wrist watch in the three pictures to the right? i sent it home from the mtc to protect it from missionary life. it is gone. new york city, make me a new one.

and i wish my cousins would get back faster.

22 July 2009

black t-shirt

july 9 was my first day back in the diggs. i can't describe the feeling. my heart is like a jigsaw puzzle. each piece is tied to an event, a person, a place, a song, a taste. the pieces, i guess, are always there. the piece that is iceland will never leave. the piece that is taiwan is kind of achy. the piece that is salt lake city yearns for this city and what it holds each time i'm away. my first week here, that little piece glowed brightly. when wyatt and miles return, the piece will again light up. you'll see it through my eyes.

july 9 i came home from the twilight series concert with the concert piece of my heart enlarged. bon iver ecstacized me. the buzz was killed as my eyes fell upon suitcases and boxes to be unpacked. furniture stacked in the corner. nothing was a home. rarely do i crave people in general, but that thursday night i wanted someone else there. anyone would have done. near midnight i realized how hungry i was. my eating habits in utah are not that great. my apartment was stocked with purchases ireva made for me. nothing looked appetizing. all i wanted was propel. i snuck out of around the back for the first time since december 2007 (it probably doesn't count because neuman and bunny were sleeping anyway). i drove to the nearest 7-11. (let me tell you quickly that 7-11 in america is really lame in comparison to 7-11 in taiwan.) i wandered the store much longer than necessary, examining every products label for clever marketing and nutrition facts and enjoying the company of the only employee present. in the frozen section i found one of my new favorite things. marzipan makes my face smile. ben and jerry demonstrated the genius we have all been aware of by creating mission to marzipan. this seven had no propel, so i picked up some vitamin water. as i stepped out of the store, i realized that all of my dishes and utensils were still boxed up. i turned around and asked my new friend, the black haired clerk, where i may find a spoon. she directed me to an area in the corner. i grabbed a plastic fork, spoon and knife to be my cutlery until i became settled. i used those disposable items for a while.

now most boxes are unpacked. books are on the shelf, dishes are in the cupboard, silverware is in the drawer. my dishes are white and plain. (i am so plain lately. i like it.) i have 8 cereal bowls, 8 salad bowls, 8 small plates and 7 dinner plates. the eighth dinner plate has become my latest dilemma. i know where it is. i know what must be done to get to it, but i'm not sure if it's worth it. my best friends will bear second witness for the statement that i am unable to make decisions on my own. i cannot do it. i ask someone else to help me almost every time. this is the decision i am facing this week. make it for me.
i can either... make an awkward phone call or type an awkward email asking for my plate. the receiving end of this communication may or may not have said dishware in their possession. it could be broken. it could have been discarded. it could have been given to another to get it off of their hands and out of their kitchen. chances are, if they still have the plate, i will drive to their home and clumsily pick it up. i'll smile too much, try to make jokes and drive home shaking my head. option 2: i can do nothing about my white ceramic dinner plate and live with 7, remembering each time that i host a dinner party why i am missing one and where it is or could be. we can easily see the pros and cons to each choice, right? moments of torture that will seem to last forever until they are finished in exchange for the dish which is rightfully mine. versus a constant reminder of days that have withered in exchange for avoided confrontation. i am torn. i think i'm often torn.

decide for me. and then learn from my mistakes.

07 July 2009

it all is

everything in my life always works out.
most of the time i'm anxious or panicked or unsettled, because i don't see an end and i'm afraid of failure or unhappiness. but everything in my life seems to work out in marvelous ways.

some recent examples:
-my second week home from taiwan i spent three days in salt lake city. i'm working on being kinder and more loving. to practice this, i went to visit my great-grandfather at his office. after a brief conversation summarizing the prior eighteen months, i walked with my grandmother to the car i was driving. in the parking lot, we ran into a business associate of the family, mark. i was introduced with unnecessary praise. i think soon i will grow tired of, "this is jade. she just returned from taiwan", but i am grateful for my grandmother's doting in this situation. mark asked, "so do you speak chinese?" affirmative, sort of. "are you employed?" negative. "would you like to be?" yes, please. and now i have a job. i will start monday. i will be able to use mandarin in my work place.
-after the salt lake trip, keith and i travelled to philadelphia. our four days in the city of brotherly love came to an end and we made our way to the airport to come back to las vegas. mix-ups, disagreements and foolish use of time contributed to our scheduled flight leaving without us. a few hours passed as we worked with usairways and united to work out our mistake. tensions ran high until we arrived at the japanese restaurant keith chose for dinner. we shared a few rolls then walked to max brenner. (i will later explain the magic of this place.) we ate chocolate and discussed meaningless details of life. the next morning we woke shortly after five, took the subway to the airport and arrived at our gate with time to spare. the flight was overbooked. keith made the executive decision to give our seats to others. charity? no. we were directed to a far away gate. our plane for los angeles left within minutes. we made it to las vegas about an our after we would have. i'm quite sure that we both felt pleased as we retrieved our luggage with a few hundred dollars worth of travel vouchers in pocket.
-last friday i called jordan with a question about the process of testing into upper-level mandarin classes. my shoulders tightened as he explained that i was registered for the wrong class. possible problems ran through my head one after another... it's probably too late and the right class is full... my schedule is already pretty set. how will i rearrange it?... as it is, i am unable to work as much as i would like to. this will only worsen the problem... jordan continued to explain chin 3060. i listened and searched utah.edu half frantically for the class i needed. i found it at an hour that fit perfectly after my pilates class with one open seat. overwhelmed with excitement, i practically hung up on my dear friend. i rewired my schedule, switched into a few more convenient time slots which had previously been unavailable and came out with more effective space for study and work.
-in philadelphia i made up my mind to move to salt lake earlier than expected. my list of purposes runs long. some of my reasoning would hurt and offend. some would flatter. i was most afraid of janelle's reaction. keith was apathetic but warned that my choice would tear my mother apart. i was frozen for days with secret plans to load up the 4runner. on saturday, a few asked when i would break the news. tomorrow. on sunday, i received several texts asking how she responded. she still hadn't. monday morning things didn't feel right. monday afternoon she was out. in the evening, over fairy princess dinner party preparations, i breathed deeply and told her i would be leaving the next day for salt lake city and i would be staying there for good. she said, "oh. okay," and turned back to barbie thumbelina package she had been in middle of opening. i started up the quiche and nothing more was said. none of the expected tears or shouts or emotions.

things work out for me. i am an incredibly blessed girl. i take too much for granted. and i don't do enough to be worthy of all that i am given. i still have a plethora of fears revolving around tomorrow and next month and next year, but things work out. in salt lake i can breathe. i shall breathe in my blessings and exhale thanks. i will use the rich air of mercy that i have been given to enrich the lives of others. with the oxygen of his love filling my lungs, i am able to do so much. so i shall do. and i will not be anxious or stressed or agitated. i will be at peace. i will work and move forward until the next dilemma is presented and overcome.

"The same everlasting Father who cares for you today will care for you tomorrow and every day. Either He will shield you from suffering or give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace then and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginings." -Saint Francis de Sales

04 July 2009

party harder friday

-the hour nap from eight to nine.
-the conversation in the car...
a: "i once dated a mexican guy. kissing him was weird. it was like his lips were really loose."
b: "llllloooose lllllips, eh?"
c: "it probably from all of those chrunchy tacos."
d: "and all of the chili peppers."
c: "yeah. definitely something cultural."
a: "really? cool."
-the clean guy in the line. seeing him look as out of place as i did.
-emily losing two dollars. she was supposed to win one thousand.
-the greatest people watching i have ever experienced.
-the couple i watched from the door until we left. blue shirt. green dress. head shaking as smoke exits the mouth. hanging on one another. nerds.

-my suddenly perfect posture. my body has never been more tense.
-the trashy americana outfits.
-the fire coming out of the ceiling. and the screams.
-the guy that looked like rivers. and only spoke to asian girls.
-"i like your moves... no, i really like your moves."
-the tallest black man i've ever seen. taller than jesse p. (6'8").
-the "serious" grinding next door.
-the way people try to look like they are still dancing as they walk from one place to another.
-"wild thing" (tone loc). THIS ONE TIME... at age 3 i said to julene, "i need fifty dollars to make you holler. i get paid to do the wild thing." keith and janelle started monitoring what i heard come out of the radio.
-wild thing leading into "gimme more" (britney spears). how i wish mandiscandal had been present.
-the two 80's couples. sweet shoulder pads. sweet sunglasses. sweet mustache.
-dj am is pretty fly.
-the best strategy: never turn your back to anyone. spending the whole night turning in circles.
-strategy failure: hand on my waist. more than that on my hip. quickly running. black man on emily and janelle. laughing until i almost died.
-"it's jay-z!" "where?"

-not moving enough to become sweaty.
-"what time is it?" x50
-"yeahhhh!" x100. because occasionally i'd catch myself being not excited.
-talking with hands.
-"i want to sit down." "then we better go."
-"what is going on tonight?... want to feel my six-pack?...in the uk we eat well."
-the perfect bum.
-the most hilarious drunk woman. watching them get in their car and then not wanting to get into ours.
-old man. blond toupe. white sports coat. bright blue jeans. green tank top. tan cowboy boots.
-janelle's excuses for me: "she still hasn't gone to a movie theatre... or a concert."
-more home at tea planet than anywhere else downtown.
-listening to a discussion of the ethnic make up of the crowd.
-never needing to go back.
-the defects of my body. i cannot sleep in.

03 July 2009

last night i ate sushi with an old friend i hadn't seen in two years.
this morning i enjoyed breakfast with another. four whole years since we had had a face-to-face conversation.

it is interesting to me that some of the people that know me best are those who see me the least.

we are so much older now.