29 June 2009

lately i clean out stuff. i've come across a lot. pleasant and unpleasant. good memories to be remembered. good memories to be forgotten. not so good memories to move on from. proof that i'm uninteresting to throw away.

this is what i found cleaning out my blogger account. a bunch of blogs started but not finished. story of my life, right? i still remember the context of some, so ask me questions if you'd like. or make up the conclusions. try to think like i do. it's not really that complex. 

17 Sept 2007
"Beauty is truth, truth beauty."

I always enjoy class more when I am well prepared. That is my main motivation is reading the night before a discussion rather than the night before a test.

Today in my Literature class we dove into two contrasting works sharing the theme of antiquity:Ozymandias by Percy Bysshe Shelley and Ode to a Grecian Urn by John Keats. I am in love with the words of great men. I am enamored of their ideas and rhetoric. I could converse with my professor for hours on technique and meaning and what I get from the poem.

These pieces were written only two years apart by

19 Sept 2007
"I ache for you. . ."

It's strange how our bodies have physical reactions to emotional and mental processes. I didn't understand Ben Lee's lyrics until I went to Iceland. I would sit in my dorm and feel this pull. My heart and chest literally ached for home; it hurt.

Yesterday Shanny and I went to the Shade Clothing store in American Fork the to Provo to visit friends. I couldn't stand the drive on US-89 (State St). It started with nausea as we passed small used care dealerships and The Purple Turtle. By the Chevron station where I used to fill my tank on the way back to my apartment at The Enclave my shoulders were much more tense than usual. When we came to the lot where a Hawaiian shaved ice stand sits through summer, across from the iron working place I could barely hold a conversation with Shan. Next came Kneaders, at this point I was hollow and nothing more. It was the strangest feeling, ineffable. It was like a piece of my insides were not there but not really anywhere else. It's just gone.

Consider stress and what it does to people. I find it fascinating

So much has changed since the July when I made the State Street drive almost daily. A lot of the time I wish I was angry, but I'm not. I wish I was apathetic, but I'm not. I wish I was happier now. What exactly I am I don't know. More independent

21 Sept 2007
every day.
still, every day.

not every second.
not every minute.
not every hour.
but every day.

not every turn.
not every laugh.
not every sigh.
but every day.

not as i meet.
not as i smile.
not as i drive.
but still every day.

every day.
every gray day.
every late day.
every good day.
every single day.

also 21 Sept 2007
stifled, suffocated in slc
transfer: washington, east, abroad

sometimes i'm not sure
i'm sure of that.

24 Sept 2007
"scratch my back."
"dude, you can't tell me what to do."
"yes i can. just do it."
"okay... i'm so glad you have the priesthood to direct me."
"i know. we're lucky."

four years to the perfect wife plan

Travis and I devised a plan that will make me the most desirable, well prepared girl when it comes to marriage. I'm pretty sure that we covered all of the bases. It will be a lot of work, but it will be worth it when I'm able to make my husband the happiest man in the world.

8 Oct 2007
two years later

I was so excited about conference this weekend. My heart did a backflip when Henry B. Eyring was sustained as the newest member of the First Presidency. I love that man. I love how tender he is. And I love his intelligence and his father's enigmatic knowledge of chemistry. I couldn't take in enough. The words of our leaders felt like a flood of spirituality replenishing my heart and soul after a brief drought. I was so disappointed by my ADD tendencies, but cannot wait to start rewatching a few talks each day on byu.tv (possibly my favorite website).

This conference was more reflective than most. (By most I mean the last three, being that those are the only ones I have really listened to.) Two Octobers ago I was probably sleeping until noon on conference Sunday, not that I would have been up any earlier if it were church Sunday. I'm so grateful for the changes since then. I'm grateful for the comfort the Spirit has brought into my life. I am so much happier now, so much happier watching General Conference than I was watching whatever it is that I watched.

Fall conference reminds me of

10 Dec 2007
my amazing weekend

let me tell you...

20 Dec 2007
we're starting day three of my stay in vegas. keith and i are already stepping on each others' toes.
i'm not "home" for the holidays. i'm in las vegas, staying at my parents' house for christmas.

26 Dec 2007
lyrique du jour

excuse me sir
i'm lost
i'm looking for a place
where i can get lost
i'm looking for a home
for my malfunctioning being
i'm looking for the mechanical music museum

this is a warning
i'll spell it out for you

excuse me miss
i'm a dog on heat
i'm a complicated being
with love songs to eat
i'm a poor, starving baby
who could march all night
i'm a mechanical music man
and i'm starting a fire

hot chip will break your legs
snap off your head
hot chip will put you down
under the ground

excuse me child
i am trying to see
all the colors of wonder
your brightness can be
return to nothingness
enjoy just might be right
but prepare yourself
for a mechanical fright

excuse me son
i'm found
i'm looking for a place
where i was once found
there's nothing in a world
where the melody is broken
there's always some way
to make your silence be spoken

30 Dec 2007
My idea is that there is music in the air, music all around us; the world is full of it, and you simply take as much as you require.  -Edward Elgar

27 June 2009

today i came to life

today was a good day, a really good day.

last night i went to sleep around 2, then woke up at 3 to be at the airport by 4. (note: these times are am, not afternoon.) i feared that my perpetual lack of sleep would have a negative affect on my time alone with keith. anyone who knows us knows how we get on each others nerves after a few hours in close proximity. the drive to mccarran international proved encouraging. we discussed my life. he was kind. he was supportive. he listened and gave his opinion but openly acknowledged my agency. what has happened the last two years? changes for the better.

my intention, once aboard the aircraft and en route to philadelphia, was to sleep. to sleep. to sleep. sleep didn't come. vegas to denver. 1.5 hours. i sat without thought.

i was impressed by keith's familiarity with the denver airport. we window-shopped our way to the gate, stopping for "breakfast". one of my new favorite things is a soy vanilla steamer. this morning's was my second this week. unsweetened soy milk became my best friend (one of many best friends) at some point in taiwan. he has not yet left my side. i pray that his companionship will continue to get me through life. have you ever sipped warm soy milk? there is something soothing and comforting, like milk without the mucus-y (wow, i'm disgusting) feeling down your throat. 

the flight from denver to rebel capital may be the turning point of my time home. 
i immersed myself in a novel, started before taiwan but never finished. oskar schell, the main character of extremely loud and incredibly close, is one of my favorite people. he's witty. he's quirky. and he's an elementary school student. jonathan safran foer is a man of style. reading him makes me think that i can think. i feel like i haven't thought in months. i definitely haven't thought in the past 12 days. mr. foer opened whatever door had been closed in my mind. thoughts, ideas and opinions have made their way into the corridor. they're walking, slowly and casually. energy is coming to them. fear not.
at some point keith consented to listening to my music. i tried to stick a sigur ros filled ear bud into the canal of his ear. he resisted. but, he did let me play mgmt and others. then put my headphones into his ipod, filling my brain with moby, snow patrol and more. music creates a bridge between me and everyone else. i am so grateful that keith and i have now erected that bridge. by wednesday i will be well on my way towards the other side of it.
i have been in america as a released sister missionary since june 15. until today i had not listened to sigur ros. what was i waiting for? i have my theories. you have yours. the most important point is that this afternoon i took advantage of my hours in the air. i listened and i loved. med sud i eyrum vid spilum endalaust is amazing. the best music i have listened to in a long time. it is filled with joy. not the whole album is peppy and optimistic, but it is. i don't know where jonsi is, but i'm happy for him. he's in a good place. and he has but me in a good place. today i heard him sing in english for the first time. where are words? i must watch heima soon.
after the album ended and i relistened to a few tracks. keith pointed out the office playing on the airplane's televisions. pam and jim are dating? i still have all of season four to catch up on. it felt so good to hold in my laughter. it was wonderful to flash glances at keith, to have him smile and nod. can funny tv make one funnier? it can make one lighter. this day i float.

we landed. i picked up my phone and prepared to call clara. getting to a restroom became priority. i put her on hold. we share a mind or a heart or a soul. she called me! she's here. she's in america. life is more whole. in less than two weeks i shall journey back to salt lake city. she will meet my life in utah and all of team jade will love her. again, words fail to convey what i think and feel. 

the rail to our hotel's neighborhood. keith's phone stopped working, so we stood in middle of the sidewalk trying to figure out what to do, how to get a hold of his business associates, etc. i kind black man stopped. he looked important. everyone here looks important. i think it's something about the way they dress or the way they stand or the way their faces look. he was warm. he asked if we were lost then didn't believe us when we said, "no." he directed us to our hotel and asked, sincerely, whether we needed further assistance. "city of brotherly love" flowed through my head. (cool that a brother showed love!) i feel connected to this place. i thought it would be cold and hard like much of the east coast is known to be. i was wrong. 

our hotel room is little but cute. two twin beds and a tiny bathroom. the tv is awkwardly situated above a desk. keith has found "his spot". i have mine directly behind him. 

after settling briefly and dealing with keith's busted mobile phone, we headed down to meet up with justin, another american leak detection employ and citizen of the united kingdom, and the city. deciding on dinner became an ordeal. the end was a happy one: korean followed by french desserts. conversation got interesting at the patisserie. british culture. british feelings towards the usa. american politics. obama. we meandered from the french restaurant to barnes and noble. i picked up a little moleskin notebook (i'm having planner withdrawals and have to write down what goes through my mind. maybe my thought processes and writing will get better as i use my new black book).  i love to talk. i love to listen. i feel wiser after tonight. i think it was a combination of justin's accent, walking past old brick buildings and feeling that my opinions were considered and of worth. 

now we're in the hotel again. i will be able to sleep for eight hours for the first time since my foot touched down on american soil. melatonin in my hand. a wake up call for eight am. 

the world is rosy. i am content. yeahhhhhhh!

23 June 2009

first favorite video

of the summer. 

i'm really digging music that reminds me of what keith and janelle played as i ate pink frosting cookies and bit lauren on the head. 
i like m83's recent sound. 

22 June 2009

"why do you have such poor communication skills post-mission?"

my life is not my own. i want my life (back).

last night i slept for seven hours. four more than i have any other day of the week. 
this is a start.
tomorrow i shall find myself in the land of my heart, even salt lake city. the next step towards my partial completion.

this is the summer of jade. by august 24 i plan to have some type of identity. you are invited along. team jade. celebrating jade. i am jade.